I'm here (English Version)

Turn on the light

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest moments, if only one remembers to turn on the light"

Albus Dumbledore

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It hurt, physically hurt that night, like being slapped in the face, but it was a release from suffering. Kind of like when you rip the band-aid off a wound. It hurts but it is necessary to do it, because only then do you really start to heal. Every missing piece we could fit into the puzzle of our life spent apart hurt and did good at the same time. It was then that I understood. I understood that I had to let him go. I had to let go of Jake, I had to let go of his memory as it was, because it was a beautiful memory, of a strong and clean love, of a young love that we had not been able to experience but that belonged to the past and would never return. We had brought so much suffering with us and then destroyed each other. We would have annihilated ourselves. I had to love him yes with all my being, but love him in that memory. And if I had really loved him, I had to love him even in this life, in this different form he had taken, love him yes but in a different way and I had to help him. I had to help Jake go away with little me and I had to help Jay be happy and move on. Because we hadn't. Neither of us had really done that. And he deserved it just as much as I did. We had been prisoners of an unresolved past for too long just as Hannah, Richy, and Amy had been prisoners of their past and it had done nothing but annihilate, consume, and destroy them. They had not faced the past, they had not found forgiveness, and that had sucked them into the abyss. But now during this night I had resolved, I had faced my past, my traumas and my missing pieces. I had put each piece in its place and hoped as we talked that he had done so too and had closed the abyss, which we carried inside, with me. That he would feel better as I was feeling right now. But I think he understood it exactly as I did because he had changed his expression a while ago. He was looking at me yes with love, but with tenderness. We had torn off the old band-aid and put a new one together on our wounds. We lived far away shrouded in darkness but we had tried to turn on the light in that night together. And we had glimpsed that perhaps, there was happiness for us too.

"And I tried to hate you but the anger went away...I forgive you, now it's time for me to move on"
Maître Gims

"I love you, I have always loved you and I forgive you for being away for far too long"
Nickelback

I had forgiven him. I had lived in resentment and suffering for so long.... First I had hated him for leaving me alone, then for lying to me all those years.
But during that long night I had forgiven and understood. And now I was free. Free from the hatred I had felt toward him, both before and after. And he had to be, too. I wanted him to be free, too. From the pain, from the guilt he kept carrying around. He had to stop not living, in this eternal self-imposed punishment that no one would ever ask of him.

"- Promise me that you will seek your happiness Jay, I forgive you. You have to forgive yourself too, and you have to forgive me for the horrible things I said to you -" I took his hands.

And all I need from you Is this
The hardest thing for you to give
Your forgiveness

Your forgiveness - The Rasmus

"- I have already forgiven you. I understood many things during this night, I pieced together with you missing years of our life. Yes I promise you Hailey, I understand what you mean. We have been suffering for too long. We are stuck in time, condemned by ourselves to suffer. But it's time to move on. I was making a mistake, living a prisoner of the past without facing it, just as it had happened to my sister. The past will always remain in the heart, you are a treasure to cherish, your memory is but it is time to move on. Know that you have not changed. You are right, you have always been right. You helped me then to change my outlook on life, to want to have one. I had locked myself in my world and you pulled me out of it. I locked myself in pain, in the memory of us, I kept myself from coming back to life and you helped me, we helped each other tonight to come out of it again. It was what I needed all my life. I promise you that I will look for my happiness. And as soon as I get out of here, I also promise you that I will go and talk to Lilly and she will decide, for herself, what to do with me.-" she brought my hands together with hers to her face.

"-We really should be happy you know? But I have one last thing to do, I have to say goodbye to Jake and you to little Hailey -" .

And after I said that, only then did I pull him to me and kiss him, from the girl of ten years before. I was allowing little me to say goodbye to her greatest love. I was closing unresolved things. He kissed me back. It was not a kiss of passion, not this time. It was a tender kiss of farewell and it was like that for both of us.
"-I have always loved you-I took his face in my hands again, his eyes were shiny, just like mine. But his look, I will never forget that look. There was a different light in his eyes. They were no longer the sad, defeated eyes of those who believed they deserved nothing. It was the look of someone who had been forgiven, the look of someone who has lifted the pain from his heart -- and I will always love you. But now it's time for you to go Jake.-" this time calling him that didn't affect him, he knew it was right.

I took him by the arm and walked him to the door. He really had to go, I wanted him to go, I wanted him to run to her before he had second thoughts. It was dawning, a beautiful day. The fresh air breathed in at the top of my lungs, the scent of the trees, the birds singing. For the first time in a long time I thought that life was a beautiful gift. And I really wanted to live it. No more nightmares, no more pain and suffering, we didn't deserve it. He hugged me tightly, I will never forget that moment.
"-Thank you. For saving me several times Hailey, I will not forget that. I will always love you and if you ever need me I will always be here for you.-" We had really said goodbye and now he was heading for the car. I no longer felt any pain, only lightness and hope. And from the way he had looked at me, I know he felt the same way. Our wounds had been healed.

"Jay! - I raised my voice and he turned around - I won't save you from Dan know it. Go, run to her. Now! Don't ever leave things unresolved again. We know where they lead. And stop making decisions for others-"

"-I'm going, before I run out of courage. See you soon Hailey-if he doesn't kill me-" And he got into the car with a nervous little smile.
I watched him drive away and it was only by feeling the wet nose of my new four-legged guardian angel on my hands that I realized I had better send a message to Dan.

"I'm sending someone to Lilly. You already know him. And not as of now. Please don't be the usual goat. Stay close to her but stay aside. This is really important. You have to trust me."

I hoped it would help. If not, I would have his pretty face on my conscience.
I knelt down and hugged my recent and faithful friend. Let's go home Cerberus. Damn was Jessy right. Are you sure you're not my dog? I absolutely should have gone to Frau Töpfer and told her I had not stolen him.
I gathered the few things I had brought and returned home, not before leaving the keys in the mailbox as agreed. I could have stayed, I had paid in advance for a few days but I just wanted to go take a shower and sleep in my own bed. I was going to Phil's afterwards. I had lost him for sure but he was also right. And at the end of the day we were nothing. He had said it, we were not and never would be a couple. We were just two friends who occasionally ended up in bed together. I had to tell him something but I had time to do it. I went home, sent a message to Thomas and Jessy promising that I would tell them everything as soon as I woke up, reassured them that I was fine and home in my own bed. I opened the refrigerator finding it empty as always and thought he was right, I really should have done the shopping.