I'm here (English Version)

Don't lie

---------------------- Phil's pov -----------------------

Our breaks were frequent, our moving away and coming back. We were different but similar. Passionate but free. She was beautiful, confident and sexy. We were doing well lately, really well. More than usual. We were so good that I almost convinced myself to stop. And I mean really stop. No more pulling away, no more stopping. Why not?  I never wanted to tie myself to anyone, never wanted to share my life and emotions with anyone. I have had many women, more or less attractive, more or less interesting but she is different. I noticed this already when she first called me. And not just because she was beautiful in her profile picture. She had something extra that caught my attention even though I could not have said what it was. I called her from prison. Not my sisters but her. It was because of her that I was acquitted of all charges. To her I owe my life. I saw her suffer so much and I never abandoned her even though it was not easy. I was little more than a boy. In a sort of strange spell, I, Phil Hawkins, lost my famous cynical and detached streak, my being a man, no indeed, my believing myself a man by trying with everyone, succeeding practically all the time, and turned into her "guardian angel." I would never have touched her if she hadn't wanted, I would never have disrespected her. I would have had her yes, physically. She was fragile, nothing would have been enough to take advantage of her. But the price of one night was not worth one iota of her wholeness. I always felt that she deserved the best of me. The beautiful version of me. Not the cynical bastard. Only once in our lives did I treat her badly. I yelled all my anger at her. I was there and I was transparent. I was dying after her and she didn't see me. She had love only for him. I was a boy and I was jealous in a childish way. But I didn't yell at her just because I was jealous but because I was a scared boy. Scared of losing her forever. Scared and angry about what she had said. When she asked me for help to die I couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't take it anymore and I with her. The abyss she carried inside was sucking us both in. And I screamed at her. I was almost satisfied. For once she was crying because of me and not because of him. I regretted it immediately but it was necessary. She was letting go, still crying for him, reduced to the ghost of herself. I would do it again a thousand times to scream if it was to save her life. It was our first kiss. I didn't know how to apologize, I had never apologized for anything in my life, but I had to apologize to her for attacking her like that and so I kissed her. It was there that I realized how important she had really become to me. I had waited and longed for that kiss, me taking everything and right away. I had waited and even if partly stolen it made me realize how precious she was. She kissed me in turn through tears. And I thought it was worth all the waiting in the world.

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My god how beautiful and provocative she looks in that dress, I can't take my eyes off her. Although I actually look at her like that even in my pajamas. She just walked in and is getting closer. I am definitely lost. I'm realizing this as time goes by. We drift apart, we see other people but then we always come back. In a kind of couple not couple. Suspended between being and not being. I have never said I love you in my life. If I had to say it to someone she would probably be the closest thing, love I mean,and I would only say it to her. But I don't do it because we are not in love-aren't you Phil? Are you sure? Don't lie-no, not in the sense everyone gives to that word. Besides, we're not a couple so no fussing. We are good bedfellows and nothing more.
I saw how that guy bothered her. I was going to snap and kick him out personally but then I remembered that she doesn't need my protection for these things. She likes a challenge. And so I enjoyed the scene. But always ready to get in the way. I could have sworn she would punch him in the nose. She is crazy. I like that about her, too. Never predictable, never dull, sweet but determined. My sexy brawler. My sexy cop. I'm looking forward to closing tonight.

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I noticed that she said " come home" but I didn't say anything to her. It has a strange sound to me when I think of it associated with us. Home. It doesn't sound like a cage.
We barely managed to close the door before we started undressing each other. With her it's like it's always a new ride and at the same time it's like we've known each other for a thousand years. The look on her face when she takes control and cuffs me to the bed. She knows very well how to drive me crazy, she knows every inch of my body, every time she takes me to the edge, stops and then starts again until I have to beg her to untie me. Her face when she moves on top of me is something to take my breath away. The look on her face when she found herself tied up-excited and amused. I had not yet managed to catch her off guard. And she begged me just as I do. Oh yes she did. I have slept with many women but with her it is different. And I can't even explain why.

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The embarrassment she had painted on her face when I responded to my sister at her house would be something to frame. I love embarrassing her, it rarely happens and it amuses me to no end, even in her way of pretending she didn't hear.
I think I'll take her to Chinese food, she loves it. She loves it now. It took three tries before she could get in there. I knew very well what it meant to her, she never hid anything from me. Never. But I never forced her. The first two attempts failed. On the third one I saw her gaze change. It was like a spark started in her and one step after another she went in without wavering. I was really proud of her and the work she did on herself at that moment.
I love the face she makes even when she challenges me to eat faster but this time she doesn't fool me. Last time I was about to choke, I never lose twice in a row. And when he stands up to pay, my goodness, he's bossy as hell. Well I love that too. She practically argues alone at the cash register under the puzzled gaze of the owner.

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Duskwood is such a country hole.  That asshole from yesterday was there, a few tables over from us. We saw him, he saw us. She is very beautiful his partner, I don't understand why she accepts him focusing on someone else. But this time I wasn't going to let him disrespect her, so I held her close to me. If he wanted to argue with her he should have argued with me this time.

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My sister sent me to her to bring her something because she says she is not well. Because of that son of the devil we never saw each other again. She hates me that dog. But she also hates that asshole cop so I like him a little more. It would even be worth getting a butt cheek bitten off to give him a cookie. I got to her place and what I saw when she opened the door I didn't like at all. That she was sick was a lie, I figured; she never misses work. Her eyes. She cried but that's not what worries me, tears can be wiped away. Her eyes have almost the same expression as that time. Of the time I yelled at her. Eyes lost in the void. She said it's nothing but I know her more than I know myself. She was fine days ago. We were fine together and now she can't wait to send me away and avoids looking at me. She does this because she knows she cannot lie to me. No, we usually respect our space but not this time, I won't accept leaving you alone. Forgive me Hailey but don't close the door on me. Not this time. Not to me. I pull down the hood of her sweatshirt. Her face is tired and it is clear as day that something has happened to her. She is so pale. Will she have eaten? Knowing her, no. She is a mess, always has an empty fridge.

"Phil I have to talk to you," she told me, and I'm almost afraid of what she has to tell me.
But I took the opportunity to make her something first with what Jessy gave me. I'm certainly not going to let her starve to death no matter what she has to tell me. I know she's been in the mine with that asshole looking for Alfie. Just her and him. I swear to God if he hurt her this time I'm going to jail for real. If he just laid a finger on her I swear I'll kill him.
What the fuck happened in that mine? What the fuck did he do to you?
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Forgive me, but I couldn't not let you know Phil's thoughts; he is an integral part of the story, an important part. He saved her, protected her and loved her (even though he denies it even to himself) for ten years.