I'm here (English Version)

We are Not a couple

I led him to sit on the couch. He let me carry him without saying a word. He had a very serious face and a strange look on his face. I could have sworn he was angry, and I still hadn't told him anything. I was afraid. Yes, I was afraid of his reaction. Was I risking losing him forever? I don't know why I felt that way, after all, we were not a couple were we? Maybe because of what he had done for me. He had saved me. He had stood by me. And I was ungrateful. Yes that was the reason. I was still holding his hands and playing with his ring trying to relieve the tension. I thought I had given him that one. No, it was not a ring for boyfriends, absolutely not. It was a carbon, black and red ring with a Celtic motif going around. It represented him well in my eyes. The black, like the cold, impassive exterior. The red, like the passionate fire inside. Regardless, I had seen it in a shop window, it made me think of him, and I got it for him. I don't even remember seeing him without it anymore, now that I was paying attention.
He interrupted my thoughts with a simple question.

"-How many hours have you not eaten, and I mean a real meal, not junk food. Please don't lie to me-"

I couldn't have done that even if I wanted to. He was reading me inside.

"-I don't know. From dinner at your sister's house probably if we exclude some chocolate last night-"

He let go of my hands and stood up. Without saying a word he went to the kitchen and began fiddling with the envelope he had brought. I kept thinking that he needed to stop thinking about me. I didn't deserve it. Not after what I had to say to him. He appeared with a ham sandwich and a glass of orange juice and handed them to me.

"-It's not really a real meal but that's all I could do with what I brought. Your fridge is empty, you really should do the shopping-"

"-Phil really- I'm not hungry. Thank you-" I took his hand back and he sat down again next to me.

"-No. I won't listen to you if you haven't eaten first. And not because I want to be in charge, you know I would never do that. Please...I'm worried about you -" She brought my hand to her chest along with her own and sliding forward slightly with her pelvis, rested her head and shoulders on the back of the sofa, closing her eyes. A sign that he would ignore me until I ate first. What was he thinking? What did he think I should tell him?

I resigned myself to eating. It was the longest sandwich of my life. I knew that when it was over I would have to talk to him but I didn't know exactly what to tell him and how to tell him.

At one point he could no longer contain himself. He was glacial. Furious but calm and icy. I had never seen him like that. Every time he managed to surprise me with these personality changes. He was not the calm and usual Phil but neither was he the one who had yelled at me. He sat back down and stared at me.
"- Hailey did he do this to you? What did he do to you? I know it has to do with that guy because other than going with him to look for Alfie you didn't do anything else relevant -."

"- Hailey was it seeing the mine that upset you? Going in there? -" she continued without even waiting for a response. "- - No, it wasn't the mine, you would have called me, we would have talked about it. We talked about it other times. Now tell me what he did to you. I need you to talk to me.-" he continued holding my hand.

"- Nothing. He didn't do anything to me. But swear that whatever I tell you you won't get out of here immediately -"

"- I can only swear that I won't get up from here and go and kill him. I have thought that is true. But I'm here for you, if I go to jail I can't make Sandwiches for you anymore. You don't even know how to grocery shop. I ask you again, what did he do to you? -"

"- I don't know where to start. My god it's a nightmare.... -" I brought my hands to my face disengaging myself from his grip.
He pulled me close to him and I let him. I hid on his chest and it was probably the fact that he could not see my face and that I did not have to look at him in turn that I began to speak. He stayed like that listening to me, motionless.

I began to tell him about finding Alfie's little car at the entrance to the mine, about going inside. I told him about my fear in there, how he had helped me overcome it, how I had convinced Alfie to come away with me. I told him verbatim about our whole conversation. I told him about coming home and told him how I had felt. I told him about the identical conversation, told him about the questions that were going through my mind about who he was or wasn't. I was not going to lie. Never. Not to him. Thomas had shown me what happens when you lie to people you care about. I could feel him stiffening, but he didn't dare move or speak. I went on.
I told him how I had gone to the Motel and kicked in his door. I told him how Garcia had convinced him to open it. I told him everything. I told him who he was. And I also told him that I had kissed him. Everything, no matter how unpleasant it was. I felt it, the icy coldness he exuded. But I also said I told him to get lost. I hid nothing, not even the smallest detail. He would decide what to do with the truth. Him as Thomas and me as the version Hannah was supposed to be. He pushed me away from himself. Not Whit rage.He was barely breathing and showed no emotion. He moved my hair away from my face and looked at me. Why was he looking at me like that? Why did he seem to be looking at me as if it were the last time? He stood up.

"- Phil... It doesn't mean anything ... it will disappear just as it always has -"
I didn't really know what to say, it was all so absurd. I had mourned him and now that he was back I was saying it was nothing.
Breathing deeply this time, he had already turned his back on me, his hand on the door handle.

"- Stop lying Hailey. Stop lying to me and especially stop lying to yourself. If you didn't care you wouldn't be in this condition. Go to the mirror. Look at yourself. You still have love for him and only you can know what to do. I am there for you and I will always be there. I just want you to be happy and I don't care how or with whom. If he makes you happy, go get him. You don't owe me anything. And I don't owe you anything. This time he turned around, emphasizing what he was going to say. - We have never been a couple, we are not and we never will be. You know that, too. Just, at least fill the fridge, take care of yourself Hailey -".

"You only realize you love her
when you let her go.
And you let her go."

                        Let her go - Passenger

He went out and closed the door behind him.

I would have preferred him to yell. I would have preferred to see him get angry, I would have preferred him insult me. Instead, he didn't care. But maybe it was me who had been making movies so far about us becoming something. After all, we had been coming and going for years. He had said it. We would never be a couple. It's true, I don't want to be a couple, I don't want ties. Neither does he. So fuck it, why do I feel this way? It was just good sex after all. Am I just selfish and wish the whole world was at my feet and succumbing to my whims?
Everything was wrong in that situation, I was wrong.
I had to get away from here. I had to get away from that place. I grabbed a bag and threw in the first things I found in the closet, locked the front door with death in my heart and got the hell out of there.
Where I would go was of no importance.