I'm here (English Version)

Yes, I'm fine

"Alan I'm not well, I must have the flu, mark me sick, I don't know when I can get back."
I thus communicated to him by text that I would not be going to work. If I had called him he would have known from the tone of voice that something was wrong. I texted Jessy and Thomas and told them the same lie as well. I don't know if they believed it, I had never lied to them but right now I didn't care. I didn't feel able to explain myself, I felt I was on the edge of a cliff and was struggling not to go down.
"Don't worry, we'll stop by later to bring you something to eat, stay in bed," appeared on the display. No no no, Jessy and her thoughtfulness.... I love her, I always appreciate her caring for me but I don't want to see anyone, I just want to disappear.

"Thanks don't bother, maybe I'll sleep. I'll call you 🖤"

My head was bursting, I had looked at myself with the phone camera, my eyes were puffy and red, my hair disheveled. I was still inside the bed, in sweatpants, and I could still taste his lips. Damn! I felt suffocated, I wanted to get away, I had to get away. I don't know where but I had to get away from that place at least for a while. I thought I had to get Cerberus back but I couldn't go and get him myself. Not after lying. I had left him at the station kennel, but surely he was waiting for me. I could make even a dog suffer; I was a horrible person. I wondered if he had made trouble. I felt faint when I stood up. When was the last time I had seriously eaten anything? Except for a piece of chocolate last night. Which had ended up in the parking lot, I forgot. Yeah, last night. We had only kissed.
-only?-shut the damn voice.
It wasn't serious after all.
-ah no? you know you were going to go further if I didn't stop you.-I thought they were really going to hospitalize me since I was starting to argue even with my own inner little voice that seemed to be getting autonomy. It was so damn sadistic in reminding me what I had done the previous hours.

-and Phil?-oh that's enough now, shut up!

I know we are not together with Phil but then why did I feel bad at the thought of him? What would have happened if he had never disappeared? Was I using Phil as a replacement? But I wasn't like that... Or was I? I concluded that I didn't feel like thinking about it at that moment, I didn't feel good at all. I went back to lie in bed and fell asleep curled up in myself. The sound of the doorbell woke me up. It was almost dark outside, I must have slept at least a few hours. No Jessy why are you so damn stubborn? I loved her for her thoughtfulness but I didn't feel like seeing anyone. Resignedly I got up to open, I was going to make something up. I expected her and Thomas on the threshold, I was already about to open my mouth, but it wasn't Jessy. She was the last person I wanted to see, shit, why had I opened? My guilt made man was there in the doorway, handsome and sexy as ever, with a bag of food surely assembled by her sister. Her and her ideas. She knew we weren't seeing each other because of the dog but she also knew she wasn't with me today. I opened the door but left it ajar. A clear sign that she needed to stay outside, drop off my groceries and leave. It was not the first time we had done this, both of us. Most of the time it was because we had guests in bed during our breaks. We would have a laugh and come back at more opportune times.

"Hi Hawkins. Sorry I'm not feeling well, you'd better stay away from me. Maybe I'm contagious," I told him pulling up the hood of my sweatshirt, trying to hide my puffy eyes and faking a cough. But hey it was Phil, who was I kidding? He knew me better than I knew myself.
He didn't say hello, didn't say I stopped by to bring you this, didn't say my sister sent me, didn't say sorry I'll be back another time. He didn't. Nothing like that. He was straight to the point like a tank. No frills. Always. I liked his not going around things if he had to say something, but this time I would have preferred him to be less perceptive and direct.

"Are you okay? I'm not talking about your fake flu." He had sunglasses on his head. I deduced that it must have been a really nice day outside before it got dark.

"Yes, I'm fine, just a bad day. No big deal. I'm going back to bed. Thanks for stopping by." I slipped the envelope out of his hands.
I made to close the door but he prevented me by holding it open with his hand.

(-Come on Phil let me go-) I thought.

"I don't like your face. Don't get me wrong, I like your face very much, more than you think. But I don't like your expression. I've seen that expression before. You are not well. Don't lie to me. Not to me Bishop," and forcing open the door he entered the house.

(-Damn between him and his sister I don't know who is more stubborn-)

He took me by the shoulders and pulled my hood down to look into my eyes. Every time he looked at me like that I was hit and sunk.

(-Damn it Phil, stop reading my soul. Stop being understanding, caring, sexy, stop saving me!-)

No, no, no, I didn't want to start crying, not again. But I didn't really want to lie to him. I might as well not tell him anything, it was just a kiss.
Was Hailey? ...Liar...
He would go away and I would forget him...Liar....
But after all Phil had done for me it wouldn't have been fair to cut him off. I needed to be alone, and he had a right to know that he hadn't done anything. That it wasn't his fault. I didn't want to be like Hannah and he wasn't like Thomas. No lies between us, no unspoken truths. Never.
Jake's face overlapped with Phil's.... As Agent Garcia had said? It's time Jay. It was time for me to tell the truth, too. Lies only brought further pain. We had learned that well. I wasn't going to lie. Not to him.

"I need to talk to you Phil." I closed the door, took his hands and led him to sit on the couch.