I'm here (English Version)

I'm here and you don't see me

"You are completely crazy Bishop, you looked like you were about to punch him in the nose. I smelled your mess from a distance. I was ready to take action, not to save you but his pretty face," he couldn't stop laughing as the Aurora's shutter lowered and not even as herentered the 'burglar alarm code.
"- However, I didn't like the way that guy approached you, I was this close to having him taken out - " I'm definitely more than tipsy. I'm watching him talk, blue-eyed pretty face be damned. The only thing I can stare at is his mouth and the thought of those lips on me. And I don't even want to sleep alone tonight.

"- Shall we go home? -"
"- Sure, I'm not leaving you alone. Just in case you start mugging people in those sexy heels -"
Yes yes, you do mock me Hawkins.
He pulled up the hood of my coat, gave me a kiss and held me close as we walked home. The cold night air brought me to my senses. Had I really said let's go home? I usually said come to me. Or I would come to you. Let's go home sounded so important. Oh to hell with all these mental movies, for heaven's sake! Besides, it's nice not to be alone all the time. My coat was the first thing that fell to the floor as soon as we crossed the threshold, followed by his jacket and shirt. We continued kissing as he pushed me toward the room. He opened the zipper of my dress, which slipped to the floor followed by my throwing off my shoes. In an instant we were entwined in bed, like two hormonal teenagers.
"-Not so fast Mr. Hawkins- " I murmured pushing him back to the bed as I straddled him. With a snap I opened the nightstand and pulled out the handcuffs.
" -I told you it was bribery of a public official-" I whispered in his ear. He found himself handcuffed with both wrists to the head of the bed. Not that he was putting up all that much resistance. He was so beautiful in that moment, his eyes full of desire. I untied his hair, how I loved it, began to kiss his face, went down to his neck and followed the tattoo with my tongue. I kept going downward and once I got to his navel I slipped off his pants and went back up again and told him that no, he still had to suffer. I went through every inch of his body lingering in the places where I knew he would go crazy. I released him only when he was the one who asked, "I beg you, release my hands," and in an instant as soon as I released him he put my back to the bed, my wrists held over my head by his hands and kissed me savagely leaving me breathless. Click! I hadn't even realized this role exchange and that he had pinned me down with my own handcuffs. It was my turn to beg for mercy; he undoubtedly knew how to pleasure me to the point where we were both now struggling to hold back. "-God, Phil...please-"
We always reached the edge of orgasm, then slowed down and started again, in a seesaw of sensations, torturing each other. On the edge like our existences. Panting and trembling we eventually indulged in a long, tender kiss. It was like this all the time with him. Animalistic and tender together. He was the perfect lover. I took him by the hand, sitting on the bed.
"-I'm going to take a shower, are you coming? -"
"- Of course I am, but are you sure? Look I might give you an encore -" he said rising and kissing my bare shoulder.
"-I'll take my chances mister Aurora- " and I dragged him out of bed.

I watched him fall asleep at my side, my head on his shoulder, our hair mingled together on the pillow. He had trapped my hand by entwining it in his and brought it to his chest. As I said, he had patience Phil. He had so patient with me, especially in the beginning. He had picked me up exhausted from the floor dozens of times. He had wiped my tears dozens of times. He had put me to bed dozens of times taking me in his arms like a child. He had never touch whit a finger on me when he could have taken advantage of my fragility. It would have been so easy for him. And at that time I was really so, fragile I mean. The only time he lost it, his great patience, he treated me very badly and scared me. It was the one when in the throes of a crying fit on the floor of his living room I pulled him down to me and told him I wanted to die. I told him in sobs. I told him that I was tired of feeling pain, that I couldn't handle it anymore.

" - Help me please! Help me to die Phil! I helped you get out of prison! You owe me that!"

He stiffened immediately and pulled away from me, pushing me away from himself. He looked at me with a look I had never seen in him, a mixture of compassion, anger and hatred. I ached from that look. He yelled at me so loudly that I gasped and froze for what seemed like interminable seconds. It was shocking, he who was always so sweet and patient with me, his voice low, his words controlled, had become another person.

" - That's enough now!!! I'm not going to watch you consume yourself for a dead man you don't even know, I exist, I'm here and you don't see me! I am alive! Look at me!!! - " He was furious. He angrily lifted my face to his.
" - Look at me dammit! Do you see me now? I'm here dammit! And so are you, damn it! Do you want to die? Do it yourself! Fuck you Hailey!!! Get the fuck out of here right now! Get out of here, get out of my house, get out of my life and never show your face again! - "

He stood up pointing me to the door.
That was the time he saved me. If he had continued to pity me I would have continued to feel sorry for myself and probably sooner or later I would not have been able to cope. I seriously thought that I couldn't take it anymore, but on my own I didn't have the courage to end it. I realized from that reaction that I was hurting him and I couldn't take that either. He hugged me tightly grabbing me from behind and pinning me down as I was about to open the door, my trembling hand already on the handle. I had chosen to leave because he didn't deserve me ruining his life, he didn't deserve me wasting his time after a troubled girl like me, someone with my traumas. I resumed crying always held tightly in his arms, in a desperate but for me reassuring grip, sliding both of us to sit on the floor. I rested my back against his chest, clung to him in every sense, physically and mentally, but this time it was a liberating cry. I cried all my tears at once sobbing as he whispered apologies and held me close to him stroking my hair like a child. He asked me a thousand times for forgiveness, repeating that everything would be all right. But he was right, I could not go on like this and I knew it. It was then that I decided to turn to Dr. Ulric. It was also the day of our first kiss. A desperate and sweet kiss his, a kiss of gratitude mine. "He saved me, in all the ways a woman can be saved." He was my Mr. Dawson on the Titanic, and he saved me from sinking.
I pressed myself against him, entwined my legs with his, strengthened my grip on his hand and slept a night without nightmares.