I'm here (English Version)

Only one

It made me tender to the boy I knew. I handed him the glass again full and went back to hiding in my sweater.

"I'm waiting"

I urged him to continue. I always had to push him to talk. He had not changed in that respect, even though he was no longer behind a keyboard. The only difference was that then he couldn't go offline. How it pissed me off when he would disappear like that. He would always leave me with half-hearted speeches. Or with that stupid little smile.
He told me how they had used me to convince him or rather force him to cooperate. And also not to end it. - If you don't cooperate she dies. If you try to warn her or try to escape she dies. If you try to die, she dies anyway- .
It really hurt me very much to know that. It hurt me to know that because of me he had remained in that hell. I knew him, he was smart and clever, he would have found a way to escape if he had not thought about me and my life. We were both living a hell even if different. I would mourn him dead and he would try not to let me die. But I was not being beaten and tormented. The pain I felt at that time was excruciating. Yes, I had been a horrible person to have shouted those things at him. Who knows if he could have ever forgiven me.

"You shouldn't have done that. You should have run away at the first opportunity."

I really meant it. He shouldn't have sacrificed himself like that. I would have rather died than be responsible for his pain.

"I had sworn to protect you. I would never let them hurt you Hailey. You were my whole world. I would have died for you." He leaned forward but backed away soon after.

He went forward, alone this time, without needing me to urge him and told me about Agent Garcia, Amanda as he called her. Yes it's true, she used him too. I still have to be grateful to her for saving him, for helping him, for caring for him, even though the time with her helped separate us. But if it weren't for her I would still be kicking that door.

"- Why then did you never send me a sign that you were alive? You always had the skills. Why? I would have come looking for you to the ends of the earth.-"
I felt a lump in my throat but I didn't want to cry. Absolutely not. He had excluded me from his life, when I would much rather have died together at the time than be alone.

"Because after spending years in their captivity, after years with Amanda to get to the end of it all, I was sure you were definitely giving me up for dead. I was certain that you had moved on and made the life you deserved. I didn't want to cause you any more pain believe me. What could I have said five, six, seven years later? That should not have been the way things went, but they did. I didn't even spy on you or your phone calls anymore, I swear. You had a right to be happy without me. So I stayed at the FBI. That was all I had left. But I never stopped thinking about you and what it would be like. I had never been able to meet you, so when I heard about that laptop I insisted on coming. I swear to you, I had not come with the intention of disrupting your life. I just wanted to see you, at least once. I don't even know why I sent you that stupid little smile. One of those childish things you regret right afterwards. I wanted to see you and talk to you. I would have wanted to tell you everything. But I never would have done it if you hadn't realized who I really was. I should have left without ever telling you anything. I would have remained just some anonymous asshole who had broken your balls in a club. That was the deal with Amanda. I had asked her to help me keep them. Just to avoid what later happened. I gave you another pain. I'm sorry. -".
He paused and I finished emptying my glass. I got up again to refill it. A long night of confessions lay ahead.

"- When I first saw you, I almost got punched in the face. But it would have been worth it -" and he chuckled.

- You're the only one who can still make me laugh - I remembered that phrase.
I wonder if she was still like that. I hoped not. That wouldn't have been fair. It had gone the way it had but I had also lived through the years.