Temptations

Chapter 18

Lee's Pov~

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Gwen and I got kicked out of the shop. Not a big deal since there were other places to get food but she never told me what he said.

We were sitting in my new living room on a couple of bean bags we got from Walmart since we were still working to afford a couch. I told my uncle i was staying at a friend's house since I didn't want to tell them yet.

The TV I had was small but it was manageable and neither of us minded. We were watching some old disney movie on dvd that I found in my closet along with other movies. We were both sitting on the bean bags with microwave dinners and slushees.

It felt a bit odd around Gwen lately. All I wanted to do was be around her yet I still was threatened by my feelings for her. It didn't seem right no matter how hard I tried to convince myself it was. I knew it was but my religion and my past told me it wasn't. Everything was telling me I was wrong and at the same time everything was telling me I was right and I was confused and more often than not I threw myself into a panic because of the confusion.

Gwen was perfect. In many ways. Not just her looks and her body. Her. She was perfect. It honestly confused me why she liked me especially after my display of such a disgusting personality. I was horrible to her.

I looked over to her. Even her side profile was perfect while she looked at the TV. I had a couple lamps that lit up the room which illuminated her face in a orangey-yellow glow. I stared for a moment before she turned her head and looked back at me. She seemed to notice the worried expression that I didn't even know I had and asked me what was wrong.

"What?" I asked.

"What's wrong? You look worried." She said softly. I looked at her for another second before I looked down at me hands. I popped my fingers and looked back at her to see that her gaze never moved.

"I know it's okay- To have feelings for another girl. I just feel like sometimes it isn't.. I don't even feel like people will judge me I just have this.. deep-rooted feeling that allowing myself to like girls is wrong in a way." There was a moment of silence before Gwen took a deep breathe.

"Your ex, he called you a dyke. I wasn't sure if you heard it at the time. He said it kinda quiet and you seemed in an angry daze. I don't know. When I first came out and my parents found out and then.. well you told everyone.. that word was always tossed around with me. Especially in my household. It's just a word but when it's directed towards you from your mother, it feels so much different. It feels like a punch to the gut. I guess I've always had some kind of internalized homophobia for myself. Not because I think being gay is wrong. I think it's perfectly normal but nobody really tried to make it a point that it was wrong until I came out." She opened up and I realized how vulnerable she was being to me. She was never like this, she always seemed so confident and cool.

"I'm so sorry Gwen. I caused you so much pain. I was horrible with no reason to be that way and I wish I was different. I wish I saw you then the way I see you now because I wasn't good to you whatsoever. I feel horrible over it and the fact that it was only recently that I could get over myself kills me."

I never looked up at her. I just kept my eyes on my hands as I fiddled with my fingers. I couldn't bare myself to see the sad expression that was on her face, but after a minute of the only sounds coming from the post credits of the movie, I looked up to see that she wasn't sad but she was smiling at me.

"What?" I questioned her.

"Nothing I'm just glad you're not a bigot anymore," She chuckled.

"Shut up!" Lee kicked her beanbag with a slight smile.