" i'm so sorry deku."

Chapter 23 [Relapse] TW

Izuku pov:
I open my eyes to see that it's still dark out. Is it nighttime? I rub my eyes and take a big yawn before deciding to get up. How did i get to bed? Where is my jacket..its so cold. I walk over to the bathroom door and turn the handel. I switch on the pale and bright light. I look into the mirror and stare at the pale, skinny and dead looking figure that's staring back at me. I pull at my eye bags to try and rub them better but it doesn't work. My face look's dead with my pale skin and purple and  reddish discolored eyebags. My eyes wonder frome my face down to my neck and then to my arms.
I look disgusting. How could anyone ever like me?

I look down at the now healed scars on my arms. Its been 3 weeks...

I miss the comforting feeling of being in pain, the koper smell of the blood as it pours out of a vein, the scabs rubbing against my clothing reminding me that their still red , the rush i get after each cut, burn, pick,pull or scratch i do reminding me that im Infact not dead, i miss the pain, suffering and guilt , reminding me that i still can feel, I miss knowing that i am real. For each scar shows where i have been , and everytime I've commit a sin.  You look at them and say their ugly and bad, but i am the one who once made them when i was sad. For every tear that was shed for every person that fled. The creator of these scars is me because i am them and they are me. I don't do this for attension or fun but instead as a punishment for what I've done. You say it's great when they fade but all i see is another opportunity , a new  canvas for me to paint red once again. You say i should be ashamed, embarrased and mad but why? Why should i hide the fact that i was once sad? Why should i hide that i am human,Why do you say my body is now ruined? Why dont you see? The real victim here is me, yes each time the object was dragged accross my skin, it
was followed by a grin, but can you really blame me? All I've done is try and help you understand what your eyes lack to see. For I was the one who was in pain,  and  tried so hard to keep sain, while your words were always the most vain. Look at me and tell me what you see, do you really know the real me or the one I tried so hard to be? You ask how  could i have Ever picked up that knife when I had such a perfect life? Is that what you call the truth? But where is your proof? Yes It may have seemed that way, but trust me there were many words I never dared to say. You believed my smile when you found the dried blood on the tile. You turned a blind eye, to me  coming out of the bathroom each time with a sigh. You noticed the change in clothing ,and  the dark red liquid that always had the material soaking. You saw the Marks that covered my skin , but yet you say nothing. So tell me am I really the one to blame , why should I be the only one to carry the shame? How could  I have not noticed sooner... Are the words you said. But the truth is you did.  if you really were that blind you would have carried a stick of some kind. For you have chosen not to see, what I have come to be. Even though the scars are starting to fade I still won't hesitate to reach for the blade.

[Hey guys uhm sorry to interrupt i thought i would mix it up a bit and throw in a self made poem called "scars". Ik its not great but hey i tried lmao, Anyway enjoy the story!]

I look to my right and see my small blue toiletry bag hanging frome a hook against the wall. Maby it's still in there.

I walk over to it and open the bag. I ruffel trough the bag until i find it. My spare blade...

Just 1 i just need 1. Just to help. It will make me feel better...just 1 cut.

I walk over to the sink and stare one last time at the scars.

Wait...i cant do it on my arms...kacchan always checks them. I walk over to the toilet and pull down my pants.

Thighs....so much space, and no one ever checks there.  i spot an empty space where there isn't many scars yet and i start.

1...2..maby 3?  it feels so good though...4...5..6...7....8..9..10..11.
12..14...

Suddenly i hear Kacchan calling out my name.
I grab some tissues and start to clean everything up. Shit i forgot to grab bandages.