Bird-Like Heart

your name

Sleepovers and movie nights
Midnight calls and early morning laughter
The first time I started looking at you differently, I was 13, you 14
I knew something was different about you, and I couldn't tell exactly what it was I knew that you stood out more
At 14, I was sitting next to you, holding my breath, trying not to let the butterfly escape my throat
You were laughing at something, you laughed so hard you shot milk out of your nose, you gave pretty a new meaning
And on my 15th birthday how you sat right next to me, I couldn't tell if you did it on purpose or not but I couldn't help but map out the imperfections on your face, every acne scar and misplaced freckle, your smudged glasses and crazy hair. Beautiful
And when 16 came around, our hands were so close, I wanted to reach for your hand and hold it in my own but stopped myself. It was also when I came out to you. You supported me, and with false hope, I asked if you were the same. You said "straight as a board"
At 17, you told me you had a crush, a boy in drumline. I tried not to be upset. He was good-looking after all. You were also oblivious to people liking you. I remembered a boy texting me about you, asking what your favorite things were. I wanted to say "me bitch, fuck off" but instead I told you nightmare before Christmas, the smell of lillees, jellyfish. I basically scrapped booked your entire being in my head and told them all to him. Cause if I wouldn't make you happy like that maybe he could.
18 and graduated, you told me you were pansexual and I nearly feel to my knees. This could be my shot. But then you said thanks for being a good friend and I Immediately felt like anywhere else would have been better than right there. I cried on the way home.
19, you told me you loved me after you got out of a toxic relationship. You said "LOVE!" I told you to wait and see, I didn't want to be a rebound. I waited a week, checked my phone every hour. The following week after, you went on a date with a guy.
Now I'm 20 and you barely talk to me, I try my hardest to be in your life. You leave me on open or unread for days. You only call when you need me and I always pick up. But when I need you. Where are you? Not there. Not picking up.
Growing up sucks, but you you know what sucks more?
Falling in love with your best friend.