Bird-Like Heart

family

What if in between the distance between you and I turned in to black hole that took all the I love and miss you from my mouth. What if the next time I see you you'll see me but you won't really see me. You use too. There was one time where I ended a call without saying "I love you" to my mom. My sister looked at me and said you only live once and what if neither of you make it home. I immediately felt guilt rip open my throat and fear crushed my heart. Now I can never end a phone call without saying "love you" to any of my friends and family, sometimes ill even slip up and say it to a stranger. Sometimes I find it hard to give the right amount of affection because no matter how hard being strong was put on my shoulders people pleasing was being shoved and drilled into my mind and I couldn't find the difference between the two, I played peek a boo with my own happiness and said sorry to people when I speak to loud around or to the woman behind me in the self check out line because I was taking to long, I was shaking so bad from the thought of me not being fast enough, to the furniture that I happen to have run into. I say sorry to my soul because being strong is not what I can be at the end of the day. I'm sorry that I was taught that my worth didn't matter. To not take up people's time, that my breath of oxygen was to much and to make room for my siblings, for the people in the front row, for my parents, for the furniture because even if I put it there I was in the way. And I should not be in the way. Only be in line and show up when asked. When you leave I wait by the door like a dog who's left wondering when or if you'll ever return. I will go back and criticize my own memories of the day only to delete the good parts and reply the bad ones on an old VHS tape that my parents keep in the junk room that still has my name on the door. The distance between you and I are like how the earth is with the moon. That's 238,900 miles. But we still live in the same house. You once asked why I never leave my room and I couldn't find a reply that wouldn't hurt your feelings so I stuck with me being tired, instead of my home is my room, untouched by you. I made this my safe haven, while you made the rest of the house a war zone that had no bullets but stares. The only thing they have in common is that they both burn when you shoot a glance at me. I love you but I don't feel like I can't be myself around you without putting on a whole theatric show. So I'll keep my curtains closed so the burning sun won't burn my skin for loving both the son and the daughter. I didn't want the distance but you made me back up and if I tried to build a bridge to meet half way you'd burn it down, then tell me you love me. Did you know when a star dies it could create a black hole, it has the power to destroy everything in its path, even relationships. I guess that's what we have in common.