Geeky Turn On!

Like a View Askew movie

 "The hell you mean she's a psycho?" I asked, more perplexed than anything. I noticed that Gabe, Amy, Jolie, and Todd were all staring at Kevin, as were most of the attendees.

"Well, OK, first off," started Kevin, pointing at me. "Ew. You're dating someone fresh out of high school. Creepy."

"I concur," said Gabe, nodding his head.

"NICE!" Said one of the patrons, a lanky dude wearing a Naruto headband. "Lucky dude!"

"She's dating a girl, ya dingus!" Said another patron, a pink haired woman wearing a Star Trek uniform.

Woah, the balls on her to wear THAT to a STAR WARS showing!

"Second, her name's April Mann," Kevin continued. "And I hear she's Lorena Bobbit levels of psycho."

"Yeah, we've established that it's rumored she's psycho," I said, rolling my eyes. "But ya got any PROOF? Or at least a reliable source?"

"Yeah, my pal Tom," said Kevin. "Tom told me that his girlfriend told him that her friend dated April Mann back in Junior year. So April and the dude were like an item, and they'd apparently often be seen walking down the halls holding hands, and sometimes they'd make out and whatever."

"Go on," I said.

"Well, according to Tom's girlfriend, her friend wanted April to (CENSORED), right?" Kevin continued, with the whole damned store enraptured by his story at this point. "So April starts off nice and slow with the tongue-"

"Daaaaaang!" Said another patron, a dude wearing an Orange Lantern shirt.

"Man, forget Star Wars," said a female patron wearing a Hatsune Miku tank top. "This is WAY better!"

Gotta ask her where she got that top. Dang, it's awesome.

"So after a little while, April was giving the dude the ol' Hurpy Lurpy Derpy Slurpy," said Kevin.

"The hell's that?" I asked.

"Oh, that's when-" Gabe explained it to us, and I wished to Jesus and Allah and Buddha and Odin and Ra and Spongebob that I had never asked.

"So when she's done with all the licking, know what she did?" Asked Kevin. "She took a big old BITE, like she was eating a Tootsie Pop!"

"AAAAHHHHHH!!!" Every last dude winced and yelled at that bit of info. Hell, even some of the girls, like Jolie and Amy, winced!

"HOLY STARS AND COMETS!" Gabe exclaimed, looking nauseated and disturbed.

"Anyway, yeah," said Kevin, shrugging. "That's what I heard about her."

"OK, but is this source reliable?" I asked. "Because this is hearsay from hearsay...from hearsay."

"I mean, granted, Tom's girl was a dirty (gardening tool)," said Kevin. "But-"

"Ew, kid," Amy interrupted. "That's misogynistic."

"No, she really was a (woman of ill repute)," said Kevin. "We called her Thirty Seven."

"Why?" I asked.

"Cuz that's how many she sucked before she hooked up with Tom," said Kevin.

"Thirty seven in High School?" Gabe asked, shocked.

"In a row?" Asked a chubby patron in a fedora, black shirt, and cargo shorts.

"Oh come on," Amy said, rolling her eyes. "Just 'cuz a girl likes some man meat, that doesn't make her a dirty floozy OR a liar!"

"She also had herpes," said Kevin. "She didn't give it to Tom, though, but she did give it to some of the guys at school. Some of the girls, too, come to think of it..."

"OK," Amy said, her eyes wide with horror. So were mine. "That right there? THAT'S FUCKED UP!"

"Sex-ed sucks these days," said Todd, shaking his head.

"Oh no, we had the Abstinence-Only shit," said Kevin. "Mom and Dad gave me the actual sex-ed."

"Our tax dollars at work," said Todd, rolling his eyes.

"Wait, who had the herpes?" The Hatsune Miku tank top girl asked. "Was it the psycho?"

"No, it was the floozy that told the guy everything about the psycho," replied the fat guy.

"ANYWAY," I exclaimed. "Kev, you told me a rumor, that's it. I asked for something more substantial, OK? Otherwise, I'm not gonna be able to believe you when you say April's...not all well in the head."

"I'm just relaying what I've heard," Kevin said, shrugging. "But I've met her before; she really made me nervous that day."

"When did you meet?" I asked.

"Back at the tailgate party," said Kevin. He was referring to the tailgate party the Seniors always throw the week before graduation over at the old drive-in. "She was talking to my pal Samantha, and she was being really insistent, ya know? Like she was one of those guys you saw in those videos about chicks walking down the busy streets, the ones who start following the girl around for like fifteen minutes before giving up. Like, she wouldn't leave Samantha alone, ya know!?"

"What'd she do?" Asked Jolie, looking scared.

"Well, Samantha turned to Joe McDougal and started making out with him," said Kevin. "April left the party almost immediately."

"Were they an item?" Asked Todd.

"No, Samantha had recently broken up with her boyfriend, and Joe's the biggest, most flaming homo this side of the Mississippi" said Kevin. "They never even talked before that day."

"That's messed up," said the fedora wearing patron.

"So, yeah," said Kevin. "That's what I know."

"So that's what you know, huh?" I said, nodding. "Oh well, it doesn't matter. I'm breaking up with her anyway."

"What?" Amy asked, shocked. "WHY!?"

"Not because of the rumors, right?" Asked Jolie, giving me her puppy-dog eyes.

"Nah, I don't care about rumors," I said, sighing. "But the age gap is huge, and I don't feel comfortable with it."

"That's a good, legit reason to break it off," Todd said, nodding while patting me on the shoulder.

"Too bad, Daisy-chan," said Jolie as she rubbed my other shoulder. "But there's other fish in the umi!"

Umi means sea in Japanese.

"Called it," said Gabe, shaking his head. "See, Dorkwinkle? I told ya; shoulda listened."

"Yeah, yeah," I said. "Hindsight and all that. Now come on, we came for some Star Wars, didn't we?"

"Hey, I wanna hear more about this kid's high school!" Said the dude in the Orange Lantern shirt.

"Yeah, screw the movies!" Said the chick in the Hatsune Miku tank top. "Come on, dude, more stories!"

"We want more! We want more!" Chanted the other patrons at the store. Kevin turned to Gabe, who gave him a nod of approval.

"Tell us more about that Joe guy!" Said the patron with the Naruto headband.

"Oh, alright, alright!" Said Kevin, chuckling. "So this one time, I was heading to the showers after gym class. I was the last to shower cuz the Coach had me on ball duty, so by the time I got there, everyone else was done. At least so I thought; turned out that Joe and his new boyfriend were still at the showers-"

And that's how an audience completely forgot about watching Star Wars movies in favor of listening to some High School sexcapades starring the gayest kids in the state. Though to be fair, a good chunk of Kevin's stories were beyond messed up. Damn, things weren't like that in my day!

After like an hour, Gabe announced he was skipping Attack of the Clones in favor of showing Revenge of the Sith. It was sad that I couldn't watch Clones, but there's no way in hell ANYONE would put up with not watching the BEST of the Prequels!