Geeky Turn On!

A tap with every step

It was Friday, three in the morning. Tonight was Amy's concert. I couldn't sleep, for various reasons. I felt a great unease, you know? Like, I couldn't get comfortable, or I couldn't relax or something. I needed air.

I got up from bed, put on my gym clothes, and stepped outside. The air was crisp and cool, and I could hear birds chirping in the distance, coupled with the rustling of leaves. Over the horizon the first rays of the day were coming, turning the sky from black to marine blue. There were still some stars out, though.

I know I should probably wear something warmer, but the cold air really felt good on my skin, and it helped me feel revitalized. The air smelled so fresh, too. I looked around me; most of the houses had their lights off; the neighbors must be asleep still. I noticed some had their lights on already, though. I guess they were early risers, or insomniacs like me.

I like how my shoes sound whenever I step on the sidewalk at this time of day. It's a light tap, tap, tap with every step. And man, they're really comfortable to walk in; more comfortable than my neon green sneakers.

Why did I ever own just one pair of shoes? What the hell's wrong with me?

I walked for over an hour around my neighborhood, even accidentally passing by April's house once. When I did, I noticed I didn't react negatively or anything. Maybe I really am over it all. Huh, that was good to think about; even brought a smile to my face.

As I walked back home, I noticed Paige sitting on the sidewalk. I walked up to her.

"Hey," I said to her. That's when I noticed she was looking down. "You OK?"

"Uhuh," she said, turning her head away. "I'm fine."

"Good," I said. "Sorry I haven't had the chance to email you; I've been staying away from my computer more these days."

"Doesn't stop you from emailing Sam, though," she sounded bitter.

"Oh, uh, sorry," I said, feeling awkward. "It's just-"

"No, I'm sorry," Paige said, looking down at the ground again. I noticed a tear falling down to the ground. "I'm just...having a hard time lately."

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Just..." I noticed she gripped her pants tightly, burying her face in her knees. She must have been under a LOT of distress. "Can I be honest?"

"Yeah," I said. "I won't judge you."

"It's..." She began, but I could tell she was fighting back what she wanted to say. It was the way her body shook, the way her fingers gripped her pants, the way her shoulders tensed up. "Guy trouble."

"Dick pic ex again?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said.

"I can tell you're lying," I said.

"The (CENSORED) would you know?" She said, and I could feel the venom in her voice. That hurt me, but I needed to keep my composure. I might be autistic, but even I can tell Paige was hurting really badly.

"Because I remember how you were stone faced during your streams whenever the people in the chat sexualized you," I said. "And it's like my therapist said, sometimes-"

"You go to a therapist?" She asked, glancing over at me. I noticed her eyes were red and poofy; yup, she was crying.

"Yeah, ever since I was a little girl," I said. I figured if I wanted Paige to tear down her walls, I had to tear down mine. "My mom walked out on me when I was five."

"Oh my God," she said, taking her face off her knees. I could clearly see the tears on her cheeks.

"And that led to a lifetime of mental trauma," I said. It was time for me to be real with myself. "I've spent a good chunk of my life feeling unworthy of love, you know? Because if my own mother could just up and leave me like that, never even once sending me so much as a postcard to let me know she's still alive, then why wouldn't anyone else do the same, ya know?"