Geeky Turn On!

Black Bug Room

  I walked back home with Paul's words and voice echoing in my head over and over again.

"Isn't it pathetic that you're 34 and still live with your parents?"

Just ignore it, Daisy. Ignore it.

I reached the crosswalk and waited for the light to turn green. I gulped; I was starting to sweat a little.

"You waste your life gaming because you're too immature to be an adult."

Jeez, my sweat is really cold, and my vision is getting a little blurry. Huh, my hands are trembling? What's with that? I mean, I know I'm not sick or anything, but could I be catching the flu?

Once the light turned green I crossed the road as quickly as I could, then I continued my way home. It was around four o'clock more or less. If I was lucky, maybe Sarah would make me some dinner.

"If Mommy and Daddy didn't keep your fridge full, you'd starve to death."

Oh jeez, is the air around me getting hotter? I'm just huffing and puffing like a smoker around here! Oh wow, my chest hurts a little, and my hands won't stop trembling. Maybe I oughta lie down when I get home...

"You whine and moan about the stupidest things, while people living in real life deal with REAL problems!"

"Dad? Sarah? I'm home!" I called out as I opened the front door. No answer. Huh; they must be out or something. Yeah, they're out. They probably assumed I'd watch the Star Wars Sequels all afternoon. It's not like with Mom...

"Mommy?" I called out to my mom. I had just come home from Kindergarten, and I wanted to show Mom the picture I drew of her. I looked all over for her, but she was nowhere to be found...

WOAH! Don't wanna go there! That's a bad memory!

"Paige left because you bored her."

Ugh, there goes Paul's voice again. But I guess I did bore Paige; we only talked about video games, after all. I mean, Dad's always told me that people have other interests besides games.

"She's got a LOT going on in her life, unlike you."

I can't begrudge someone when they tell it like it is, you know? I mean, Paige really does have a lot going for her; she's a streamer, she's a Black Belt, she's a model, she's...she's so kind, you know? And she's so smart, like how she knew what to say to me when I told her about that dude who jerked off to the video of me and April making out.

"Paige and I can talk for hours on end about our favorite movie directors. Directors you'd never even know about."

I mean...yeah, I only ever watch superhero movies, Star Wars, and animated movies. I like movies from Studio Ghibli, Disney, Dreamworks, and so on. I don't really know anything about Indie movies; if Paige wanted to talk about those, I wouldn't have anything to say. She and I have nothing in common to talk about, so of course she'd get bored with me. I'm boring like that.

Huh, why are my eyes stinging? Are these tears? Am I crying? Why?

"It's funny how you look at Paige, as if you ever had a chance with her. Even if she was into girls, she wouldn't be into YOU!"

And can she be blamed? I SUCK! I'm thirty four years old and I still live with my parents!

"No, you live with your dad and stepmom."

Right, Sarah isn't my mom. My mom left me when I was five.

"She left because of you."

Yeah, she really...

Uh oh. I'm in the Black Bug Room, the darkest place in my mind. This isn't good. Once I get in here, it's hard to get out. Being in the Black Bug Room is BAD for me! I can end up getting hurt in here!

"Did she kiss you goodbye?"

I gotta go back to the basement, play some video games, listen to some music, SOMETHING! I can't stay in here! This is a bad mental place for me to be in! I'm not in a good mental state right now!

"She didn't, did she?"

I'm not listening to this! Nope, nu-uh! Not me! I'm just a gamer girl! A gamer girl who spends her life gaming online and off! That's what I do!

"Nobody likes you, you know."

It's just like my therapist told me when I was a kid; these voices are not real. None of this is real; it's all just psychological manifestations of internalized self-hatred due to childhood trauma! What they're saying is just....baloney!

"Your mom left because she wanted a better daughter."

That's not true! I was a good little girl! It's not my fault I was born different!

"Your mom hated you."

That's...probably true...I mean, it must be frustrating to have a mentally ill daughter...

"You were a miserable daughter."

I tried being a good girl...

"You suck."

This is just a dark place I'm in. It'll pass. It'll pass...

"Do you even have any friends?"

"SHUT UUUUP!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, hoping to get out of my own head. I'm crying? Why am I crying? Why are my hands trembling so much? Why can't I stop? Why can't these voices just go away and leave me alone?

"Help me..." I whimpered.

"Go to the kitchen," said the little dark voice in my head. "Grab a knife."

Why am I walking to the kitchen? Why can't I stop myself? Why am I grabbing a knife?

"Put it over your wrist," said the dark voice. "And slice yourself."

I don't want to do that.

"Cut yourself," said the dark voice.

I do not want to do that.

"End your life."

"Help me..." I whispered to myself as the blade came closer and closer to my wrist. I closed my eyes...

I felt someone grab my hand tightly, twisting it a little, causing me to drop the knife to the floor. I opened my eyes and looked up to see Dad. He was stone faced, but something about him was off. He looked...worried? I don't know; I can't read faces.

Dad took out his phone, searched for his contacts, and clicked on one of them. Two seconds later, he's talking on the phone.

"Doc? It's me," he said. "Yup, it happened. When can we go see you? Oh, tomorrow at nine? Good, we'll be there."

He then turned to me and said, "we're going back to Doctor Martin tomorrow. Not negotiable, and I WILL be waking you up early for it, got it?"

"Daddy?" I said, tears in my eyes. Before I knew it, he was pulling me into a hug. "I'm sorry...I went to a dark place and I couldn't get out."

"You're OK now," he said, and I could feel he was trembling. "You'll be OK, honey."

I felt his tears falling onto my back. I messed up today, I really messed up.