Sullies of Haunted Yesterday (Casa Fuego Series #4)

Chapter 38

Forgive

Kunot-noong binabasa ni Eros ang message na natanggap ko mula kay Samuela. Kauuwi lang namin galing sa bar, madaling araw na. Dito siya matutulog kaya ngayo'y magkatabi kami sa kama ko. 

After a while, he sighed and put my phone on the bedside table. Niyakap niya ako. Ang kaniyang braso ay nagsilbing unan ko, habang ang isa niyang braso ay nakadagan sa aking dibdib. 

"Are you going?" marahan ang boses niya, pero nahihimigan ko ang galit. 

Nag-isip ako. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong gawin. It has only been recently that my life started making sense, that things are finally falling into place. I've only learned to be kinder to myself... and I've never been this happy... this content. I made that happen without seeing them or talking to them. 

That is why I'm not sure if talking to Samuela... and Attorney Felicia... would be a good idea. Sa mga nagdaang taon, hindi ko na sila inisip. Ginawa ko ang kondisyong ibinigay sa akin ni Attorney Felicia, ginawa niya rin ang ipinangako niya sa akin para sa kaso ni Mama. We're quits. And quite honestly, I didn't want to think about her anymore. 

Kaya hindi ko alam kung tuluyan na bang nagpatawad ang puso ko. Alam kong tinupad niya naman ang pangako niya sa akin, at ako naman ang lumapit sa kaniya, pero may parte pa rin sa aking hindi matanggap kung paano niya ginamit ang pagkamatay ni Mama. 

Ilang taon ko na silang hindi nakita. Nang matapos ang kaso ni Mama, lumipad na sila ni Samuela patungo sa ibang bansa. Minsan nga'y inisip ko na baka natuloy ang kasunduan nila ni Eros dahil iyon naman talaga ang sadya ni Attorney Felicia. Wala na akong balita sa kanila ulit. 

"Hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko naman na sila naisip sa mga nakaraang taon. Kaya hindi ko alam kung may punto pa ba para kausapin sila," pag-amin ko. 

He gasped. I can sense his suppressed anger. 

"I still can't believe what they did to you right under our noses. If only I knew, I would have saved you from that kind of arrangement. I would have never left you."

"Ako ang lumapit sa kanila, Eros. Desperado akong makamit ang hustisya kaya kahit ganoon, pumayag ako." 

I didn't want to sound like I was defending Attorney Felicia, but it's the truth. I asked a favor, she gave me a condition. She might have conspired, took advantage of the situation, but she never forced me into it. For so long, I didn't think I had the right to be angry at her... but now I realized, yes, I was. I just don't know if I still am. 

"But she bribed you! She took advantage of your situation. Not to mention Tita Agnes was a close friend of hers!" 

Napabuntong hininga na lang ako, iniisip ang lahat. 

"I can't believe I felt relieved when Lola told me Attorney Felicia was going to handle the case. She's a brilliant and strategic lawyer, so I was glad about it. If only I knew what she did to you. What she did... to us..." 

"I'm sorry," sambit ko, naalala ang ginawa kong pagtaboy sa kaniya. 

Bumuntong hininga siya at niyakap lalo ako. I've never felt so comfortable in my own bed until tonight. Air-conditioned room, duvet that warms us, dimmed light from the lampshade, and me in his arms – it felt so good. Healing, even. 

"You were in grief that time. You wanted a sure win at justice. And I've always known you to be the person who'd do anything for something that she wants badly enough. So... even when it hurt... I understand."

Umawang ang labi ko. Hearing that from him felt quite reassuring. I wondered why it took me so long to have kinder words for myself, to acknowledge what I've been through, and finally forgive myself.