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South Carolina, Foster Care July 31st, 2020 9:57 am
I had been wearing these ugly pink clothes and sleeping on this shitty mattress for so many nights that I started to forget how my own stuff looked and smelled. I didn't actually sleep a lot since I had been sobbing and overthinking way too much to give my head a break. I had tried to escape a few times again but had always gotten caught and now that I had tried so many times, I was being overseen a lot more. Not seeing the Pogues for so long and not hearing from them made me lose hope, because at some point I had believed they'd come to save me.
I entered the psychologist's office, greeting her softly with my hand before sitting down on the same chair I sat on every morning. She took a seat in front of me and watched me carefully, before breathing in deeply. I hated her more than anything, because I knew she asked me questions about my past just because she wanted me to move on but I didn't want to move on. The life that I had before they dragged me away from home was so much brighter than the one they offered me here, and yet she wanted me to focus on the future.
"You look so tired sweetie, you should sleep more," she exhaled.
"Then bring me back home," I stated.
I indeed had small bags under my eyes and looked weaker than I usually did, but it was because of them and them only. They treated me like shit and expected me to sit there, appreciating to be in this center filled with crazy people. "You know we can't do this. You're so much safer here with us than alone at home. I heard you were working a lot back there," she stated.
"Not a lot, I worked like everyone does when they need money the way John B and I did," I explained. "Have you heard of him?"
She shook her head. "No we haven't seen him ever since he ran away from us," she sighed.
I smiled softly, so proud of him. When the DCS came back to get John B, he had ran away from them, and had apparently hidden somewhere since they never made it to find him. "He's smart," I thought, apparently out loud.
"Janel, sweetie, this isn't funny at all," she groaned. "So how do you feel today?"
"Like yesterday, and the day before," I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest.
"As long as you won't let me help you, your anger won't go away. Please just let us help you Janel. Losing a father must not be easy," she told me.
"But I'm fine handling the loss on my own," I breathed out.
"You're not doing it right," she said. "It's been so long and you're still angry, you're mad at everyone as if it was going to help you dealing with all of this pain"
I got up from the chair I had been sitting on and shook my head, not believing she was being for real. "What if I want to be angry? Don't talk to me about how painful it is to lose a father! Where were you when he disappeared? When I had to take care of my twin brother's sorrow while I was grieving myself? Where were you! It's been so long, you're right, so I don't need help anymore! I can do this alone because that's the way I went through it, without a shitty psychologist to tell me how I should feel!" I yelled at her before walking out of her office.
