so far this is my life

i am the victim (its not targeted)

I am the victim so for you to just sit here and say I'm not and you are is rlly fucked up. And maybe you'll never understand what you did was wrong but I understand it now. You were in the wrong fir treating me that way. And now I understand that I will never be enough for you. I will never be good enough to be a priority for you. I will never be stuck on your mind. I will never be the one you wanna talk to at the end of the day. You will always choose someone over me and I think I'm done now. I should've left so long ago but I didn't because I was in love with you. I still love you and I hate myself for it. I ain't even mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I don't even blame you for my mistakes, I blame myself for not knowing that thud wouldn't change no matter how hard I tried. Bc I tried so hard to fix things and I tried to make it better and to be a good girlfriend when in reality I did everything good and I did everything right. Yea we fought but that's bc you weren't listening. I needed you and you were never there. There was nothing you could have done to help me and im sorry I wasted both of our times. Om sorry that I keep apologizing. I'm sorry that for some reason I wasn't good enough for you when I know I'm good enough. I just choose the wrong people to love or to be around. I want to be your friend I just think it'll be too hard rn. If I see you with someone else I'll get upset that it's not me even tho I have every right to be upset bc you couldn't even do the minimum for dating and all I ever asked was to be posted every now and again or to talk to you. You could've even do that and I stayed thinking it would change and maybe you'll change after high school. God I hope you do then we can maybe make this shit work again. We only work for so long before a fight starts and then we break up. I tried so hard man. So fucking hard and it clearly was never gonna be good enough for you and I'm sorry. I shouldn't even be sorry to you! But I am. I am so sorry and I have no reason to be sorry. I have no reason to continue to feel bad for things. I don't need to sit here and feel awful about myself. Yea I miss you but nothing will change. We won't ever change and I need to grow up and realize that. And I realized along time ago that as long as we date in high school at least I'll never know what real love feels like anymore. And I wish I knew what it was again. But I don't. I don't even remember the last time I heard genuine laughter from you and that fucking sucks. I can't even tell you the times I wanted to scream and cry but I couldn't. I have to be a grown up. I have to act like everything is fine when it's not. Nothing has ever been fine and nothing ever will be. But out of all of this you were my one light. Not a bright light. Just a light bright enough to crawl around. And it's like I'm walking on eggshells around you and I'm tired man. I'm so tired of it. I just want to be done. I just want to be done with life and give up. I just don't want to be here and it's not even your fault. None of this is your fault it's just how you are versus how I am. We are completely different and I love you I'll always love you you just won't love me back in the same way. I know you love me. I know that just not in the ways I need. And maybe there's someone out there for me and you. Maybe we'll both truly be happy. I was happy with you dude. I was. I was so happy with you. I just want to be okay again man. I just want to feel alive again I want to be able to have good friends again and have a genuine smile on my face and I want to laugh like I mean it and I want to love my body and I want to be healthy. And I am trying so hard to have all of that again you know how hard it is to try and "fix" something when you have no idea what is truly broken in you. It's so fucking hard and it's physically exhausting. It's mentally exhausting and emotionally as well. And I think at one point or another you'll miss me. Miss the fact that you had me and missed it. I think one day you'll realize I'm not there anymore and when I was there you pushed me away. One day you'll wake up and you'll want to talk to me and I won't be there to answer the phone. I won't be there to text back or to say I love you again. One day, you'll realize I was one of the best damn things to have happened to you, and you didn't have the guts to love me the right way. Yiu didn't even try. And one day, I'm going to wake up and realize this was all a big lesson. It's not a mistake but a lesson. You will always be a lesson to me. Thank you for that. And maybe we'll repeat and things will be better. Maybe not. And if not, then I hope God I hope you're happy. I just wanted you to be happy. That's all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. So go be happy, okay? And one day you'll miss me. Truly miss me and you'll want to see me. And when that day comes, come find me again.