so far this is my life

i have questions

..like did you ever do what we used to do when we take breaks..? Did you ever sleep with someone else? Are you giving them the attention that we both know I deserve? Are you treating her better than you did me? Did you cheat on her like you did me?? Did you lie to her on a daily basis? 
Was I ever important enough for you to think about? Did I ever mean anything to you? Did you ever actually care about me? Did you actually mean anything you ever said to me? Did you do what we did with someone else? Do you say you love her more than you did me? Do you treat her the way you should treat your girlfriend? Dis you make her a priority like you fail to do me? Does she make you happier? Does she make you miss her in the middle of the night? Do you want to talk to her all day every day? Do you want to marry her? Start a family with her? ..was I ever enough for you? Was I good enough to make you happy? Did I do something wrong? Why did you leave? What made you want to leave? What- why,..how could you? How could you hurt me this badly when all I wanted was for you to love me? All I wanted was for you to be happy.. I wanted you to love me like I still.. I still love you..

Did..did I make too many mistakes to come back from? Did you stop loving me? Did you just give up? Whyd you push me away again? Why are you hurting us both..? Don't you love me? Don't you want to be with me again..? Don't you want to marry me? Don't you want to have a family with me? .. Don't you love me still..? Was it all a lie?

I'm trying, and I'm hurting, and I just want my partner back... I just want us back. I don't care about the fights and the jealousy of friends or people hitting on one of us. I don't care that we have issues I don't care that you live very far away from me..I don't care that we can't see eachother right now..I only want you in the long run
.I just I want to come see you this summer.. I want to visit you and hug you and see you and kiss you and just be with you even if it's short..I want to be able to visit you when we're both in college..I Wana travel with you..I want to marry you and have a weirdly big family..I wanna have kids and cows and horses and cats and dogs and and a pond full of fish and a pool and a barn and I just..I want to be with you..and it hurts when I feel like im.being pushed away..it hurts when your mad at me it hurts when it seems like your mad at me..it hurts when we fight and when I see you cry..it hurts when you talk about someone else....I know that I can't control you and I don't want to because that causes more issues..but I just..I don't know

I don't need you to live or survive.. I can do that alone, but I just need you to feel whole and you're my home.. Bubba, you're my home, and it feels like I'm losing it. I'm losing my mind over here and I don't know what to do and I don't want advice I want to be hugged and kissed and told that it's okay and well work it out and everything will be fine..I know you can't do that and even if you could I wouldn't believe it but itd feel good to hear..and I don't let people touch me but fuck man I want to hug you and I want to touch you not in a weird way but like hold hands and hugs and idk what couples do..

I'm sorry..I'm so sorry I really am but I just i can't anymore..I cant..I have all of those questions constantly in my head and a lot of them are not about you but some are obviously ..some are about past exs that still haunt me but yea..but just if you read this..don't get me mad at me don't yell at me..don't argue this is where I feel safest to open up about things..where I can't get judged..so please don't hurt me with this stuff..don't hold it against me..don't hurt me with this information..

I don't think you would, but yk I'm a cautious person..