so far this is my life

clover

Hello, so it's kind of been a while, only like a few days ago, but it's still been a while. a lot has sort of happened, like I cried for about an hour with my mom like we were talking, and then it led to yelling and then talking and crying it was great. that's not the point of this chapter, though...

The point of this chapter is to this person by the title I'm pretty sure they will know who it is if they read this, So Clover is our code word for whenever I need something and I have never used it. There were times that I probably should have used Clover, but I never did, and I made a post with a picture of Clovers saying isn't it so pretty and then I wrote a long paragraph under that like a few spaces down. And I met every word do that post the whole reason I don't say Clover is because I cannot bring myself to see it like I physically cannot say the word Clover because then I feel like I'm taking up time that you're using for your friends or for yourself or your family or school or job. and I also apologize a lot and that's something I can't honestly help anymore because I just kind of feel like everything's my fault even though I know a lot of the time is not I just feel like it is and maybe that's something to do with trauma maybe it's just my brain maybe there's something mentally wrong with me I don't know. I do know that when we aren't together, it kills me even if it is my doing. I do know that I love you and I wish we could be together, but we need to take time because there are things I we both need to work on and I'm sorry for the misspells i'm using voice type because I'm crying, and my hands won't stop shaking. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you but I am absolutely terrified to even bring them back up because whenever I think about it I just can't stop crying and one of these things happened during last school year and I wanted to tell you but it couldn't bring myself to talk about it and then I can't talk about it now because it making me cry and I want to call you but if I call you and I hear your voice i'll cry more and I don't want to be a bother to you. I hate bothering you, which is why I try not to say Clover, any why wouldn't it text you directly? I would always use a different app. But now it kind of feels like I need to talk to you, but I am terrified to do so, because I don't know how you're going to react I don't know what you're going to say then I know you have so much more going on in your life that I probably don't know about and you have a lot on your plate and that's ok. And I know you can't help me right you want to, but you can't it's the same thing for me when it comes to you, I want to help you, but I can't. And I don't mean to start fights with you. I really don't. I don't mean to be a dick; I don't mean to ruin things. I'm really sorry. There's like a story that II can't help it's like that deep feeling and no matter how many times I say I'm sorry it's like it's not enough and I know it's not my fault some of it is but not all of it I know that you know that everyone knows that, and I thought I was doing so well and I'm not I am I am drowning over here man like Like mentally and emotionally drowning not physically cause I would be dead by now then school is kind of kicking my **** mentally I mean I'm doing great on my grades but it's been kicking my **** you know cause my mental health and I used to be this really happy kid go get her kid and then it went all downhill and then I dug this really big hole like 13 feet deep whole And I'm trying my best to get out of that and it's taken me two two years and I'm still not even fully out of it and I don't think I will be fully out of it for a while then it feels like everyone hates me but I know they don't but that's what it feels like and things keep getting brought up in my head not because of everyone else but because of me and then I remember things that happened to me that you don't know about because I'm too terrified to talk about it. I can't even give you an example because I'll start crying, and I don't wanna cry right now even though this entire time I'm trying not to cry it's great I never say Clover.

Last year I was a **** **** to you and my only excuse is that I was having really bad days like really bad episodes and rumors not about you but about me, people at my school were writing rumors about me and they were everywhere and it happened all summer too and I was an **** to you about it and you didn't deserve that and I was trying really hard to give you what you deserved and I was trying to give you what you needed, but I think I sort of lost myself trying to do that I kind of did I never actually knew who I was anymore I don't even know who I am when I look in the mirror like I see my face and I see this person looking back at me and it's not me I don't know who I am it ain't taking art on everyone. And I know I'm a **** person like I know I'm not the greatest sister or the friend or a daughter I'm trying i'm trying so hard I'm not the greatest girlfriend no whatever fights are because of me or because we just couldn't communicate then I know I'm not the greatest girlfriend and you could probably do a lot better than me try a long shot and I still don't understand why you're here because I keep hurting you it's not even to keep myself safe because I'm hurrying myself in the process it's hurting you is hurting me and I don't like hurting you then I can't sleep at night i'm up to like 4 in the morning which gives me like two hours of sleep or I'm up till 2 and then I get 4 hours of sleep and I want to call you man I wanted to hear your voice and I wanted to see your face and I want to come up to Oregon one summer and just surprise you and hug you and see you but I don't I wouldn't know if that's okay I don't know if you wouldn't see me or hear my voice I don't know if you want to call me or if you would even be OK to see me if I came up to Oregon or if you'd even meet me halfway and I want to go dancing with you I want to go to parties I want to do couple **** but I don't know what To do yeah I don't even know who I have any more man. And I have had so many rumors read about me and is not even funny Like it's gotten to the point that my step sister Christina believes the rumors that she hears about me and she doesn't even think to talk to me until after the fact and that hurts and I've hurt her several times and she has hurt me several times and I keep hurting everyone around me and I don't mean to. And I wanna be with you but I am terrified that I will hurt you so badly that you will never come back and I think that's what I did like it's going to point that I don't think you're coming back to me which is why I keep making the post of am I wasting my time or are you coming back to me or did you move on and stuff and I know you said no you didn't move on and it was still grateful you didn't and you still let me call you babe and baby and other names but that doesn't mean you're coming back to me that could be pity I don't know i'm sorry If I have a lot of my spells because I'm crying in the stingy sucks see see what I mean? I miss you I love you and I wish I could hear your voice and see you and I wish that I was enough and if we ever do never get back together that you could talk about me like you do with him and I'm not so weird mean sounding way because you can't tell how I'm sounding like when you talk about him you're so happy about him and I want that if we ever break up and we never get back together I want you to talk about me like that but I know that's not possible because I am not great I am a terrible person and I am so sorry that you have had a deal with me for almost three years now I'm so sorry

I'm going To go to the homecoming dance I think and hopefully I'll have enough weight loss by then to actually like look good in something maybe make you a little jealous of your phone HAHAHAHA(it was a joke but still) I don't like seeing you cry we also don't like people looking at you like I literally physically hate it when other people look at you and i know that's really stupid I'm laughing by the way while writing this so give me a minute but I know it's really stupid to be mad at people for looking at you and for waiting to get to know you or crushing on you and I know you say that people don't do that but baby they do Anyone who is stupid enough not to look at you can go to jail which is weird cause I hate people looking at you. I don't know how you feel about me I don't think I ever actually knew because we never really talked about it I knew you loved me, and you still do I know that but like I want to know what you truly feel about me you know? I don't know what I want any more I know I want you and I want a family with you and I want to go to college and I want to see you and get married one day pretty wedding you know I want I want it with you I don't want someone else I want you I want a blonde **** LOL again that was a joke I don't actually mean you're a **** but you know you mine! Sorry, I'm trying to lay in my mood right now wh Which is the joke and whatever? I'm sorry, I liked the I am truly truly sorry.

I love you

If you see this.. I'm sorry ..if you call me and I don't answer, keep calling. I'm most likely crying 🤣

I swear I'm fineeee

Ignore any and all misspelled words or not said correctly words.