so far this is my life

me again

I look for the worst in people. Hence why I don't  have many friends rn. I look for the worst to happen, and when it does, I hurt, and I relish in my own suffering. Because by default, I caused it. With or without meaning to I cause pain where I go and where I went. I cause pain in the people I care most about, and for some reason, they stay and they haven't left.  I don't honestly understand why people stay anymore. I mean, im a good person. You know that, but I make awful mistakes, and I hurt people even when I don't mean to. I turn my back on someone, and I shut things down before they get to be too much. I run when I'm scared. I fight when I'm tired of running. I'm tired of arguing. I can't necessarily change who I am since my whole life. I've been this way. I can't change it easily nor quickly. And it takes a lot, a lot of time and patience. And I'm trying I'm trying to not push people away or to see only the worst. I'm trying not to only expect the worst to happen. I'm trying to find the good. I'm trying to see the good in you. I'm trying to see the good in myself. I'm trying to see the good in my friends. I don't see the good in exs or ex friends or family members I'm not in contact with. I don't see the good in strangers or killers. I don't see the good in myself. I don't see it in my friends or my loved ones. I don't see the good in things, and I'm trying to. I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to change things. I am a good person. You are a good person. She's a good person and he is! I know that. But getting to the part that you'll never hurt me is difficult, which is where I'm usually the one who leaves first and then comes back. I'm sorry. I'm ridiculously sorry. We put each other through hell some days. I can't say anything for you, but I'm sorry. And maybe you can't change it. Maybe you can't undo it or fix it because it's in the past, and I'm sorry. We can't fix the past or change it. But I can try for a better future. We can try to make this work, or we can let it fall. I know I Contradict myself. I do it a lot. I know I say one thing and then say another thing or I do one and then another. I contradict myself. We both know that. But I mean it regardless of what I say or do. I love you, and i know that. You love me, and I know that. I hurt you, and you hurt me, but at the end. I still want to be with you. I still want to marry you and love you. But I'm going to end up saying a lot of shity things that will have us both conflicted. I'll say and do things that will end up hurting both of us and maybe others around us. I will hurt you. I will push you away. I will do things that are worth feeling betrayed. I will be a dick to you and your friends. I will be an ass to you on days that I can't handle. I will be the nicest person to you, and then in a second, it's gone. I change in a second. I can be the nastiest person you'll ever meet, or I can be the nicest person you'll ever know. I am truly truly sorry. Honestly, if you don't want to he with me after knowing literally everything in this book, that is okay. I'll understand. I'll understand if you want nothing to do with me anymore. I'll understand if we don't stay friends. I'll understand if you want nothing to do with me. I'll understand. But what I won't understand, I'll never understand, is why you'd stay after all of this. I'll never understand why you put up with me. I'm not the best thing for you. I'm not the best thing in your life. I'm not the greatest person out there. Hell, I don't even know if I'll be a good mom! I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can settle down and have children. I want to be with you. I want to have a family with you. I want to have a life, but I am terrified. I am terrified that I'll be like my father and abandon my kid and / or you. I wouldn't be able to live with that. I can't even live with myself right now. I just. I am sorry that I have hurt you a lot. I am sorry. I say that a lot, but it's true.

I'm sorry. I love you.

Call me, okay?