so far this is my life

rant?

I'm done. I mean, I'm not done clearly, but like I'm done. I'm tired. I'm so tired, and I don't even know what to do at this point. I don't know how to feel about things. I don't know how to ask for help or how to talk to someone. I don't know if I can trust anyone. I don't like talking to people, but I hate not talking to someone. I crave being alone, but I crave physical touch. I would love to go out more, but I'm anti-social, and none of my friends seem to try hanging out with me. I don't want to do this new school year. I have to make new friends. I have to be social again. I have to try and not be who I was last year. I have to do well on my grades. I have to get into a good schooling program. I have to put up with family dramas that I don't wanna deal with. I have to put up with drama from friends. I don't have any classes with my friends, so that's fun. I have to get a job but I don't know where to work. I want to get to the gym, but that's hard if I don't have a ride, and my friend also wants to go, so I have to make a schedule to fit everything. I have to see people that I wish I had never had to see again. I have to deal with shity teachers again. I have everyone talking down on me, or at least it feels like it. I got yelled at for something that wasn't my fault. I have bad dreams of being assaulted from when it happened. Good God, I don't talk about it bc it scares me half to death. I don't ask for help bc it makes me feel weak. And I mean, you ppl say you're here for me, but I can not ask you for help, so please stop saying you're here for me. I can't make any more promises to people bc they're getting hard to keep. I want to be done with love, and I want to be done playing the fool, but  she looks at me, my heart flutters. When she calls my name, I eyes light up. I love this girl, and yet we can't seem to stop hurting one another. No matter the case. I feel useless to many people bc I can't help them, and I want to help, but I can't. I feel like I'm a monster bc of how I act and how people look at me and treat me. I feel like a ghost bc I have no one anymore. I don't know what to do or how to cope.
Music isn't working for me anymore, and the more I sleep, the more useless I feel. The more moving around I do, the more drain I feel. I keep to myself bc I don't know what people will say. I don't know who will react. Yea, I'm bold, and I take shit from no one, but it's an act. It's all an act. I hide things from people bc I don't want you to know the truth. I'm not a great person but fuck do I try. I'm not the greatest girlfriend out there but fuck man I try my hardest to make sure there happy and it feels like it's not working. Like I'm doing everything I can it's just not enough. And I feel like if I talk to her well for some reason fight. And I've been trying not to fight with people. I don't want to fight with people. I just want to live my life like a normal person but that's too much to ask for now. And I make notes or posts about "it's either me or I'm out" and they ignore it. I pretend it's okay but it's not. It's not okay. I want to be a priority. A second priority. But I never will be one and I'm slowly getting used to that.

I just don't know what to do anymore man

Anyways sorry for the rant, see you later lovely.