so far this is my life

im tried

I'm tired, man. Like physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm so tired. I'm tired of hearing Jorja talk. I'm tired of hearing people in general talk. I'm tired of your voice replaying in my head. I'm tired of having to wake up. I'm tired of going to sleep. I'm tired of not feeling like I've been sleeping. I'm tired of not getting enough sleep no matter how long I sleep. I am drained from just simply living, but I'm still doing it. I am still here and breathing. I want to give up, but I haven't yet. I haven't left. I don't plan on leaving but I am so fucking tired. Like, I just don't want to do this shit anymore. I don't want to see people. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to crawl into my bed and die. Now see, I know I can't have that unless I off'd myself at night. I'm just waiting for shit to get better. I know I have to do something about that, and I'm working on it. So like fuck off if your going to tell me that I need to stand up for myself. I can take care of myself full, hartley. I can handle myself. I do not need someone's help. All I need to do is talk to someone, and then when I do, I get told the same shit or they make me feel awful for complaining. And as we all know, I don't open up to people. I don't trust people enough to open up. I don't trust anyone at this point. I trust not to be cheated on, but even that is scary to trust someone on. I'm sorry if you think I'm annoying to you or if I need your help. I'm sorry if you think I am not capable of taking care of myself but I can assure you. I don't need you to worry about me. I don't need you to "take care of me." I don't need you or anyone else to tell me how to live my life or how to deal with shit. I come to talk, not get advice, or to feel like shit. I don't need someone to make me feel like shit. I feel like shit every day of my life, and half the time, it is your fault. I'm sorry if you think im an asshole. I'm sorry you think I'm manipulative and that I gaslight. I'm sorry that your friends tell you to leave, and then you decide it's okay to yell that in my face. Bc if I'm you're going to yell that at me, then leave. I am tired of being treated like shit. I am tired of being treated like I am less then you and your friends and your exs. I am tired of putting in a lot and getting barely anything in return. I am so sorry that I am just simply not good enough for you to treat me right. But you know what. No matter how much I love you. No matter how much I don't want to leave or you to leave. No matter how much I want to work on things and make things better. You will never change. You will never see what you do to me. You will never. Ever. Change and I'm sorry that I thought you could. I know well enough now that I need to move on and find someone better. I need to do better. I may be very conflicted with what I say, but honestly, I mean everything I say. I mean when I tell you to leave me alone and then when I change my mind. I mean everything in this book. I say what I'm feeling, and even those are conflicting thoughts. Don't call me about this. Don't text me about this. This is my book. This is where I feel safest to talk about fucking everything. It doesn't matter if you think I'm being a dick. It doesn't matter if you think I'm blaming you for shit. Your opinions on my book do not matter unless I ask. That is the only time I want your opinion. If I ask, then I want to hear. Otherwise, shut up and leave me alone. I love you, I do, but I'm done. I'm so done. I wish we could've made it work, but I don't think you'll ever change who you are, and that is something that will forever mess this relationship up. You are an amazing person when you want to be. But you are shit at talking to me and treating me like I am your girlfriend. You will never change who you are, and I love you. I do, but I can't do this. My mental health is already shit and so I am taking a break from dating. I am taking a break from liking someone. I am taking a break. And if that means I gotta cut you off for a while, then fine. I wish you the best in life, man. I really do, and I hope you find someone who can understand you better and help you better. I hope you get what you want in life. But I hope I get what I want in life. I want the life I deserve, and if we do end up coming back to each other, then we'll try again. But until then
This is my book to where I put my thoughts no matter who gets hurt by it. And that will never change.