so far this is my life

I'm a jealous person.

This isn't anything bad at all, but uh. I'm a jealous person, like literally will disfigure you for looking at them type of jealous. Overprotective as in i will most likely and in between you and them as in yk, I'm still here type shit. I don't even really know why; they can handle themselves. If i have no doubt in my mind, they'd cheat on me. Because like why? I'm fucking amazing, at least better than some of the dicks they talk to and try to get with my love. Maybe we aren't fully together right now but that ass is still mine. Literally. my heart is there's and as long as they haven't moved on and for some reason still, they love me. I don't know why they do but they do and i aint letting that shit go for as long as i can. I am never letting this go. This is something that i haven't had since whenever ago and i have no plans to let this shit goes. I have no need to be with someone else. I have no desire to hurt them, yes, we fight but that's what couples do. Yes, we take breaks and then eventually come back together. This person. This blonde beautiful handsome incredible person is the only one i want to marry. I don't want anyone else expect for this beautiful idiot. I dont honestly think i have actually ever really wanted to be with one person more then this idiot im talking about in this chapter. Im also a really contradicting person, i can confuse anyone and i dont really mean to. The contradiction part is ill say one thing like in my other chapters and then say something else right after which i know is confusing to everyone, hell i confuse myself sometimes! I want to be with them, like every bone in my body craves to hear their voice and to see their face and fuck me im going to see them one of these days. You can count on me coming up there and seeing your ass. I dont care if your friends are there. I dont care if some asshole of a male is there. everyone will not stop me from seeing you. Well be 18 i can literally come see you this summer if youd let me.  I told you last night that i have plans on marrying you. I meant it. I do things that are very contradicting and i am really sorry for that. But i mean when i say i love you or that i miss you or i want a family with you or i want to marry you. I mean those words every single time. I am not that great with talking about things but i have gotten better. Saying clover that first time was really nerve racking. Asking you for help or anyone for help should never be this terrifying but fuck id be lying if i said i wasn't terrified. I just have these constant thoughts which makes it hard to talk to you but im working on it just takes time. Anyways, Im marrying you i swear to fuck God i will Marry you will paper rings until i can get an actual ring. You hate people buying you shit but that's literally my love language because I CAN'T TOUCH YOU. Okay. Words is not enough for me, i want to send you things that you can wear or put up somewhere and when you look at it or wear it youll think of me, thats what i want. I get the long distance. But dont take this away from me, call me if i send you something and you get it. send something back. text me do something so i know you got it. I just need to se you smile because i did something you like, something youd wear even if its not really your style. Something that youd look at and smile because i got it. Because it smells like me. Because when you wear it, its like you can hug me without one of us getting freaked because of touch. Like i literally just want to send you things like an oversized sweeter thats big on me and just spray my perfume literally all over it and then send it to you with the perfume because yk if it stops smelling like me. Or like a necklace or like i dont fucking know but something! I wouldnt send you my picture bc well first off that can get messed up in mailing and secondly i dont even know whatd you do with it granted i dont know what youd do with anything else id send you soo yea. 

I love you, okay i do i really do. Im seeing you one of these days, either you come to me or i come to you. I dont care i will make that shit happen. My only wish is your happy to see me. I just want you to be happy to see me and that like idk hug me. I think thats like the only time ill want someone to just hug me and not actually let go. If i see you and you are not happy to see me, Ill leave and you wont have to see me again, because to me that is a way of saying you are not into me the way im into you. So baby please, Just hug me, love me, kiss me, do something so i know i didnt just waste 30 hours to come see you! 

I love you, and I'm glad you're in my life. I never want you to think that i don't want you. Please do not ever think that I do not want you. I want you all day. Every day. All the time. Every minute.  Do. Not. Ever. Take. What. I. Say. To. Heart. When. I'm. Mad. I will say and do things, and that's when I need you most. I will not ask you to stay. I will not ask you to help me. I will not sit there and yell at you. I will say some shit and I will walk away. I will never put my hands on you in any gross or unprotective way. I will never hit you. You can hit me all you won't. Most ill do is walk away or throw a pillow or some shit. I'll leave the room. I'll go on a walk. I'll lock myself in a different room. But do not. Ever. EVER. Think that just bc I say hurtful things or I did something that I meant it. I will never mean to hurt you.

Sorry it's a long rant and I don't even know but I love you..