BEAST AND HAWK'S FALLEN ANGELS- SONS OF SILENCE MC (Book 5)

Lean On Family

BEAR POV

    I leave church with my only thought being to find my Ol' lady, that is until I see my mom with my screaming son. "Mom, why do you have Austin? Where is Sadie?" I demand. "Sadie brought Austin to me. She asked me to watch him while she took a bath to relax. That was over an hour ago." she tells me. I start to leave when Mom yells, "Bring some Tylenol back with you. He is running a slight fever and I am pretty sure he is cutting teeth." I nod and tell her I will.

    I enter our room and the first thing I notice is how eerily quiet it is. I call out to Sadie as I enter the bathroom, fully expecting to find her in there. When I find it empty, I run back into our bedroom calling her name. I don't see her in the bed, the sitting area, or the closet. Yes, I even check there.

    Finally, I notice an envelope on the bed with my name on it. I start to tear up and my hand shakes as I reach for it. I pull out the note my wife left me.

Dear EJ,

    I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around the past few months. For that, I am sorry. I will try to explain my behavior but not excuse it.

    I guess, for me, it started when Ivy showed up. Before then I always knew my place and where I stood in the family. Suddenly, there was another woman and I no longer knew where I stood. I felt off-kilter. Ivy did nothing wrong, it was my own insecurities and jealousy that made me feel that way.

    Then Cherry ran because of the way Khaos acted and I was mad. I still knew where I stood with her and I felt like I lost my main support. I can never tell you how much I regret pushing you away from your brother. I mean, what kind of bitch gets mad when her husband talks to his blood brother? I guess, my kind of bitch does.

     When Cherry returned, she had her new friends and her old ones too. I felt pushed aside again. Ashley was the only one that didn't make me feel that way. I know those feelings were a result of jealousy and postpartum depression.

    Then Ashley ran and left not only her son but me too. I truly felt at that time, she was my only friend. Maybe in some ways still do. I know it's not true but depression makes you it's bitch.

    Lastly, after Ashley left, I had a miscarriage before I even got to tell you that you were going to be a dad again. I never told you, why make you suffer along with me? Dr. Monroe figures what started as baby blues after having Austin, has turned into full-blown postpartum depression with some signs of postpartum psychosis.

     None of this excuses how I treated anyone or how I tried to manipulate you. I realized I hit rock bottom today when I tried to piss you off at Hawk when all he did was slap me with a truth bomb. It was like Khaos all over again. I was using your feelings for me to manipulate you, to push a brother away.

     I realized then I need to get myself straight. I made this mess myself and I will fix it the same way. I am sure by now, you have figured out I have left... please don't try to find me. I need this time alone, I have to find myself again. I am going to get the help I need and work on myself.

    I am not sure when I will be back and if I am 100% honest, I am not sure if I will be back. I still love you but I need to figure out if I am still in love with you. I have been with you for over half of my life. You were and are my first and only love, but I lost myself somewhere along the way. I love Austin too, with all of my heart but he deserves a better mom than I have been.

     This is not a goodbye, this is an until later. Take care of our son, like only you can. You're an amazing father. Let him know daily his momma loves him. I hope you can understand why I have to do this. I also hope someday you will forgive me for everything.

Love Always,
Sadie

    My tears mix with hers on the paper. I sit in shock, just crying on my bed. Sadie feels the same way I do. I love her but I am not sure I am still in love with her. God, why didn't we talk about it?

     That is how Mom finds me, I don't know how much later. She rushes to me, "What's wrong EJ?" she demands. I just hand her the letter, I don't know if I could talk right now even if I wanted to. Mom hugs me telling me it will all be okay. "No, Mom, it's not all going to be okay. We both have doubts about still being in love with each other. We had a kid because it was a natural next step. Hell, I have been considering divorce. How is it all going to be okay?" I choke out. "Baby, things will work out the way they are supposed to, maybe not the way you think or want them to. Rather you guys end up together and stronger or you divorce, it will be the way it is supposed to be. We will all be here for you and love you. We will all help with Austin and love him too. You are strong enough to survive this. Lean on your family. I love you, EJ," Mom responds.

    Mom hugs and holds me as I cry. I thank her and wipe my tears. Time to be strong and be there for my son. Grabbing the Tylenol we leave together to head back to my son.