Unfinished Tale (✔️)

Kabanata 36

Cleotha

Nakatulala ako sa aking sarili sa salamin. I could feel my fingers trembling upon writing the the last scene in Chapter 19. I didn't notice that my lips were already trembling as well when I looked at myself in the mirror. Pakiramdam ko namamanhid ang buong katawan ko gaya ng nararamdaman ni Isabella nang ibunyag na dadakipin siya dahil sa piyesang pampanitikan na akala niya'y nasunog na.

Napatakip na lamang ako sa aking buong mukha nang maramdaman ang papabadyang luha sa hindi malamang dahilan. I really don't know. I feel so affected as if I'm on that scene... as if I'm the one who's experiencing it. Sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko na tila unti-unting pinupunit.

Just like the usual, I let myself cry and sob because my heart can't take it if I keep on holding the emotions in my heart. I feel so broken without knowing the reason why.

Before this novel, I've already made one before and even if I was already at the depressive conflict, I wasn't this emotional. Oo, naramdaman ko ang sakit because in order for the story to be effective to readers when it comes to stirring up their emotions, the writer should feel it first. But not in this way... dahil pakiramdam ko, para talaga akong nasa loob ng nobela.

Well... maybe it's the consequence of considering myself as Isabella.

Bumalik ako sa Chapter 16 kung saan naganap sa last scene ang confession ng dalawang character... I don't understand myself why I feel like I'm also in love. Naramdaman ko ang kakaibang saya sa aking puso na habang sinusulat ang senaryong iyon. Iba't-ibang emosyon talaga ang nararamdaman ko sa nobelang ito.

My forehead creased, wait...

"Tutulungan kitang maisulat muli ang iyong pinakamamahal na nobela. Ako ay isang pintor ngunit kaya ko ring maging manunulat para sa 'yo," sambit ni Lucas at masuyong hinalikan ang likod ng palad ni Isabella. "Nandito lamang ako para sa iyo. Handa kitang tulungan sa kahit anong pagkakataon."

These lines are familiar. Kumabog nang malakas ang dibdib ko nang maalala ang isang panaginip. I was at the kitchen that time and I unconsciously slept there for four hours. When I screamed... Que maron mi novela. Oh God. I flipped the pages until I reached the last page. Nandoon ang spanish words na narinig ko sa mga panaginip na sinulat ko kung saan binigyan ni Levi ng mga kahulugan. Nandoon nga.

Shit... is it just a coincidence?

Well, not just that. Also the Chapter 19... 'yong naghihintay si Isabella kay Lucas para pumunta silang dalawa sa ilog Pahimakas. I just remembered everything now. I didn't really know. I wasn't able to notice. This is giving me goosebumps, really. Huminga na lamang ako nang malalim at nakapikit na sinara ang notebook at inilagay sa p'westo nito sa aking table.

It feels like I don't want to write the next scenes yet. It was an advantage that I've already written the starting conflict. Nakapag-isip na rin ako ng mga mangyayari pang kagimbal-gimbal pati na ang wakas pero hindi ko alam kung bakit... ayaw ko muna. I feel like I'm going to faint. Basta kakaiba ang nararamdaman ko.

Ever since that incident... when my sister and I were almost raped, the strangeness I feel in everything, especially in my novel got even more... depressing. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit para din akong ginugulo ng mga ala-alang hindi ko naman natatandaan kung nangyari ba. That scene in my dream as well where... someone is attempting to rape me is still haunting me every night. I feel like I'm not really safe all the time because even in my dreams, I'm always haunted.

It was really traumatizing. Dalawang linggo na ang dumaan ngunit nararamdaman ko pa rin ang mga haplos... pagtakip sa aking bibig upang hindi makagawa ng ingay... my screams. Everything on that night. I feel like I'm not safe wherever I go. Perhaps it'll forever haunt me.