Will She Be Like This Forever?

Chapter 11

Cause when we'd fight, you give me space and not communicate

And for a while, I thought that's what I should appreciate.

Lauren Spencer Smith

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Monday 3rd May 2021

Getting it all out.

The past few days have been off, to say the least. Katie has been trying to get me to talk to her about what she found, but she already knew. So why did I have to tell her? I haven't been avoiding her (I don't think), but it feels like she is pulling away from me a little bit, which is the opposite of what I actually want.

I walked downstairs at around 11 a.m. to see Katie and Ruesha cuddling on the sofa. I don't know if Katie told Rue or not, but nothing had changed between me and her. I stood in front of Katie before she opened her arms, asking if I wanted to cuddle. I accepted of course, before I spoke up.

"Katie, can we talk?" I said, without looking at her, but I could tell she was looking at me. "Here or in your room?"

"In my room please" I whispered, still not looking at her and walking upstairs, with her kissing her girlfriend's head and following me.

I sat at the top of my bed, with Coopurr in my lap before Katie joined me, sitting on the bottom of the bed.

"Look. I know you want answers, but I can't give you them. That's because I don't know. It started again and I can't help it. I want to help it, I do. I want to be able to just stop, but I can't." I said, still looking down at Coopurr.

"Is it because of me?" Katie whispered.

I shot my head up to look at her. "Katie, what the fuck? Why would it be you?"

"I left you when you went to England camp, and you came back, and you started hurting yourself again. I can't help but think it was my fault." She definitely wanted to cry.

"Katie. No. I love you, so much. And I'm going to be real, being away from you was good for me. Not because I don't want to be around you, because I do. But I spent every day with you, and I wasn't meeting new people. Apart from the whole Ella situation, I really liked camp. I did. I missed you every second of it though, and I am so glad that I am back. I love you with my whole heart, Katie McCabe. So much. But please don't ever think you can fix me or help me because you can't purposely do that. You have stopped me before, when I first came here, I had stopped. I got rid of every single sharp thing in my room, and I never went and got more. I had found a new purpose in life. And I am not saying I am back to not having a purpose, I'm saying I needed the feeling of it again. I needed to feel something again. I love you, Katie."

Katie was crying, really crying. She didn't say anything, she just walked out the door and downstairs, leaving the house.

"Rue I don't know what I just did." I panicked.

"Tell me what you told her."

I did. I told her everything.

"I'll try and get a hold of her. Go upstairs and I'll join you and Coop in a second." She said before kissing my head and I walked off.

I got into my made bed just laying with Coopurr and Rue joined 5 minutes later.

"Okay so, Katie has gone to Beth and Viv's, which at least we know she's okay. Beth has told me that she's crying and saying how she has failed you as a person and took on the responsibility to be your mum figure but doesn't know what's going on or how to be a mum. She's upset at herself really."