Will She Be Like This Forever?

Chapter 97

I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Kelly Clarkson

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Thursday 25th August 2022.

A Weird Day.

Despite all of yesterday being absolutely perfect in many ways, just know that not every day is good; this is one of the bad days.

Waking up this morning was... Well, I didn't really have a specific wake up time. I fell asleep at midnight, woke up at 2am, 4am, 4:50am, and I have been awake ever since. I'm not in pain; my leg is fine, my chest is fine, but my brain is a different story. 

Every time I close my eyes, I see my baby. I see my life with my baby, and I really don't think I can handle it anymore. I physically don't know what to do. I lost a child for fucks sake... I lost my actual baby. That shit hurts and never leaves. I don't know HOW I thought I would be okay by now, because I am really not. I keep crying, having flashbacks, and it's just... so bad.

As soon as I 'woke back up,' I got up and went over to my baby's drawers, sitting in front of them on the floor. I opened the first one, just seeing all of the dummies and the bottles and physical things that I would need to raise my baby. I kept crying, making sure I was silent as I didn't want to wake up Mapi, and I went through them all, taking my time studying them and imagining what it would be like to use them.

I didn't even bother to put them back in the drawer as I moved up to the next drawer, pulling out all the individual storage boxes and looking at all the baby clothes. Even though we knew it was SUPER early, we went overboard on baby clothes and toys and everything because we were just so excited to be mums. 

I don't even think Lucy and Keira know I lost the baby, which makes me feel 100 times worse, knowing they're probably so excited to be aunties and I took that away from them. 

I started crying more as I looked at all the little baby grows, and baby tops, and little leggings and shorts, and this woke Mapi up without me really knowing. She quietly moved onto her front, her head just above mine as she moved to the end of the bed and placed a little kiss on the top of my head, making me finally realise she was awake. "Hey, princesa." She whispered but I couldn't reply. 

Instead, I held up a little baby grow with the words 'two moms club' which Katie got me the day I asked Mapi to be the other mam. "It's pretty, isn't it?" My girlfriend whispered to me, kissing my head again as I just kept crying. "Come cuddle me, mi amor. How long have you been awake?" She asked and I chuckled a little. "Since near enough 5... What time is it?" I whispered and she sat up, grabbing her phone, then laying back down. "7:46. Have you been here the whole time?" She asked and I nodded. 

She asked me yet again to get up and come cuddle her, and I did, but I kept the baby grow in my hand. My back was pressed up against Mapi's front, letting her be the big spoon as she placed a bunch of little kisses on the back of my head. "Try and go back to sleep, nena." She whispered and I nodded but knew I wouldn't go back to sleep. I want her to sleep though because I heard the tiredness in her voice still.

Neither of us ended up sleeping, and we both knew that, but we both didn't talk. Instead, she lifted her hand up against mine, so she was also holding the baby grow, and I sighed a little. "It's okay. Can I hold it?" She asked with a little break in her voice, and I let her. She rolled on her back, and I joined, still laying in her open arm with my head on her shoulder.