Will She Be Like This Forever?

Chapter 83

Everything that's broke

Leave it to the breeze

Why don't you be you

And I'll be me?

And I'll be me

James Bay

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Thursday 4th August 2022

My girls.

Waking up to see Mapi laid next to me is one of the absolute best feelings ever, but for the past 2 days, including today, that hasn't been the case. Once again, I woke up to see my bed empty, and me alone. I grabbed my phone, looking at the time; 9am – it's still kind of late in the morning considering I used to wake up at 6/7.

I got up and walked out of my room in my pyjamas, seeing the family downstairs watching TV. Everyone was there, including Mapi, so I walked over at sat in between her and Katie. "Morning, love." Mapi whispered, kissing my head as I curled into her.

"I was alone again." I whispered and she looked up at me. "Come upstairs." She smiled, holding her hand out and taking me up with her. Once we got in, she sat down on the bed, leaving me stood up and sad. "Katie asked me to come down and look after Jo while her and Rue went out to grab some new flowers for the house, baby. Did I make you sad?" She whispered and I shrugged.

"I like waking up next to you, I guess, and since I've been home, that hasn't happened." I looked down at my hands, fiddling with Mapi's rings on my fingers. "From here on, every day I'm here, you will wake up next to me, okay?" she asked, holding my hands in hers. I just nodded in response as she pulled me closer to her, wrapping her arms around my lower back and resting her head on my stomach.

"I love you." Mapi whispered, kissing my belly, which made me have a great mix of emotions – she doesn't know. "Mapi?" I whispered, looking down at her. She immediately looked back up at me because I didn't say I loved her too. "Yes, I love you. Don't give me that look." I giggled. "Remember how we wanted a family?" I asked and she nodded. "When... when would you... like... I don't know how to say it." I whispered.

"I don't know, mi amor. It's a bit hard right now, isn't it? We live away from each other." She smiled, standing up and kissing my cheek. "We can talk about it properly when we both know where we are and what we are doing, there's no pressure." She added and I nodded, feeling a little sad because there is pressure... I could be pregnant right now and she has no idea.

We decided to go back downstairs, but I turned to Mapi before we left. "I'll meet you down there, okay?" I whispered and she looked confused. "I just need to pee. I'll be downstairs in a second, don't worry." I giggled, trying to make her calm. She nodded, kissed me quickly and headed downstairs.

I immediately went into the bathroom and began being sick, which was a mixture of morning sickness, plus me just feeling really guilty and scared about not telling her. I got myself together quickly, washing my face and brushing my teeth before taking a good few deep breaths.

"You alright in there, kid?" I heard Ruesha knock on the door. I opened it slightly, letting her in before putting my head back on the sink, just breathing. "You want to tell her, don't you?" She asked and I nodded. "I can't though. I'm not meant to tell anyone. You're not even meant to know." I whispered and she nodded, rubbing my back.

"You're okay, love. Honestly. You are so brave, and I know you will be the best mum. You're okay." She turned me around and hugged me, before wiping my face with her thumb and leading me back into my bedroom. "Let's get you together and go downstairs and be a family, okay? Mapi misses you." She giggled. "She saw me not 5 minutes ago." I laughed and Ruesha shrugged with a big smile on her face.