I Thought I Was A Devil

Season 2 Chapter 13

“How dare you crave happiness?” a pair of eyes filled with anger and hatred stared at me, it was my eight year old self covered in blood, her body trembled with frustration…her eyes deep like hell “WE DON’T DESERVE HAPPINESS AFTER RUINING SOMEONE’S LIFE!!! DON’T EVER FORGET WHAT YOU DID TO HANA SIS!!!” she screamed at the top of her voice, my heart started beating fast as I realised that I was surrounded by blood…there was blood everywhere….My hands….there were blood stains on my hands!….but whose blood is this?…..I looked around but it was too late. My younger self had already disappeared, everything turned black…. Only a familiar voice echoed “How could you do this to me…Anne!!!”

I woke up with a jolt covered in sweat, my heart continued beating faster, my hands were trembling, I licked my dry lips realising I was back to Japan…opening my drawer I took out a cigarette holding it in between my lips…the last voice in my dream still echoed in my head, you must be thinking it was Hana sis’s voice, but no….it was Maria, who was scolding me….that night after leaving a voice message for my mother, I dialled Maria’s number after almost 3 years. I don’t know what I was expecting…. Initially the phone kept on ringing but nobody bothered to pick it up from the other end then finally after 5th trial the call was received.

There was a long silence, neither of us spoke waiting for the other person to begin the conversation, my heart started beating fast as I took a long puff to relax before mustering up the courage to speak. “Maria…This is me…Anne….I wanted to inform you that I am going to Germany along with my new acquaintances-“ before I could complete my sentence the call was disconnected, then no matter how many times I tried, there was no response.

Victoria and Jules completed all their formalities before shifting to Germany after a month, I stayed in school hostel for another month before returning to Japan for vacation, even though I explained everything to my mother over voice message, I was still afraid to speak regarding my issue to my parents. Returning home the first surprise I received was the big lock outside our house with a note “Sorry, Elizabeth family is currently unavailable.”

I felt frustrated and disappointed at the same time, they knew I was returning, yet they choose to leave for their trip, I would have understand if it was an important outing, but how can they decide to go for a honeymoon when their daughter came home after four fucking years. My phone started ringing as I picked up the call, it was my mother, apparently she told maternal grandmother Sarah to take care of me until their trip is over, I sighed while taking my luggage to my maternal grandparents home. ‘I am sorry Anne, I promise next time this won’t happen, hope you understand.’ No….I don’t understand, every time they fuck up, they can only say a sorry and move on as if everything is fixed! A fucking sorry can’t fix your broken heart!! It can’t fix your disappointment!! And what’s the point of saying sorry if you are going to repeat same mistake over and over again!! I felt like screaming but realised it was waste of energy, what’s the point of showing your anger towards someone who doesn’t even realise their faults?...They will only think that you are overreacting and act like a victim, so it’s better to move on….but is it that easy to move on?

I stayed with my maternal grandparents for two weeks, during that time I learned about the changes that took place in my absence, there was lot to catch-up, Angela has started acting in movies as child actor and slowly shifting from pop-music to silver screen, Leo and King visited Japan on the first year after leaving for Germany, but found my absence overwhelming and thought it was better to stay in foreign country than returning to an empty shell. My parents either keeps themselves busy with work or go for vacations to fill their emptiness, as if they ever bothered to proper care of their children in first place. After that year’s incident, family get-togethers never happened again, Diana, my maternal aunt hardly stays at home, and whenever she returns there are frequent arguments with my maternal grandparents. My grandparents are frustrated with Diana’s childish behaviours and doesn’t bother to interfere with her life. Gouenji…I heard his mother passed away in an unfortunate accident three years ago, and he had to take care of his little sister, his father turned into a workaholic as an avoidance defence mechanism so that he can overcome his wife’s death, but this lead him to neglect his own children. I wanted to visit him once but then guilt seized me, what is the point of visiting now when I was ignorant of the fact that he was going through difficult time.

Staying with my maternal grandparents felt like heaven, every five minutes they stuffed my mouth with various snacks, delicious meals and lots of chocolates, my grandfather said that I look like a stick, though grandmother had other views. But who cares? At the end of the day, I gained 5 KGs within two weeks. They even gifted me the latest laptop model for my upcoming birthday. “I love you!!!!” they are the sweetest people in my life! I used to sit beside my grandfather every evening sipping coffee and listen to his stories, while grandmother taught me football techniques and let me go through her old diaries and notebooks, there I found an album filled with pictures of various football teams that she has trained till date, I stared at those pictures for hours memorizing each of their faces, the old diary had lot of hidden tactics related to football, which caught my interest and I choose to bring it with me before leaving my grandparents place.

“ANNE!! Lunch is ready!!” I snapped back to reality hearing my mother’s voice, by now the cigarette has already burned out on its own, my room was covered in smoke, I sighed rubbing my forehead feeling tired while opening the glass windows letting fresh air inside the devil’s den, it’s been a day since I came back home from my grandparents’ place, and to be honest, I am already done with this shit. Getting rid of the cigarette butt, I sprayed some mouth and room freshener before changing my clothes and brushing my teeth. I stared at my reflection trying to recognise myself, but it felt alien, I checked my phone hoping for Maria’s texts or at least a missed call, but everything was in vain. Throwing the phone on my bed, I choose to go to dining room.

My parents were already eating their lunch, after calling multiple times they got frustrated and started eating first. I sat on my chair quietly eating rice with stir fry vegetables, Father raised his face from newspaper looking at me, then cleared his voice loudly before speaking.

Douglas: Young lady, looks like you have forgotten basic manners after staying away for four years. (he had a sarcastic tone)

Anna: Douglas! Let her breathe at least for today, she came home after so many years, yet you….(she banged her fist on the table while glaring at dad to shut up, I almost choked on my food while dad whimpered like a puppy) Anne…(she smiled at me warmly) Hana was asking me regarding you, it would be better if you take some time off your schedule, and visit her, she misses spending time with you.

Me: (guilt seized me as I looked down biting my lower lip) Maybe….(I murmured softly) Someday….

To be continued....