I Thought I Was A Devil

Season 2 Chapter 3

[Trigger Warning]

Year 2007:

Plink...Plink...Plink...blood dripped slowly on the pool of blood in between of nowhere....I laid in the middle....my white dress stained with beautiful red color....the screams of agony....and the murmuring of the lips, the name echoed in the emptiness 'Anne Elizabeth...', my eyes stared blankly at the nothingness, devoid of every emotions...my face looked tired of life....the voices called me a devil and reminded the sins....I closed my eyes only to open them in reality, my heart raced against time, my sight was blurry, my body was covered in sweat, and throat dry, there was a choking sensation as I gasped for air sitting on my bed. It was still dark outside, the streetlight entered the room occasionally from the open window through gaps in between the curtains, a soft cool wind blew from outside, hitting against my neck giving me some relief, switching on the lights, I poured glass of water, chugging it up.

These nightmares are getting out of my hands, it started with Hana sis's incident, and kept on haunting me, though I have gotten used to it, but it still bothers me. Wearing my hoody, I sneaked out of my hostel making sure the guard and warden was sound asleep, its been three years since I came to Australia, one of the biggest shift that has taken place in the past few years is in my attitude towards my parents, I stopped craving for their attention, after that Incident, initially I failed on purpose thinking maybe my mother will show me at least 1/4th of the care that she shows Angela when she gets bad grade but all I got was 'Its fine...not a big deal, you are a smart child' before disconnecting the call. I lost all my interest towards academics and non-academics, life is pointless...so why should I try so hard?....

There was a numbness towards all kind of pleasurable activities which included giving time for football, I started becoming more withdrawn and nothing could satisfy me except for torturing my own body.... Blood-thirst soon turned into self-harm, the only method which made me feel alive in this dull world....the knife going deep inside of my flesh....the warm blood flowing out of my arm....glass shards piercing through my soft skin....the burning sensation deep in my heart....the urge of killing others kept me going. I always hated the idea of suicide and hoped for a moment where I could die doing something meaningful...would my parents regret ignoring my existence if I die?....who cares ...I am tired of all these emotions that makes me hold back...I want to go beyond these meaningless feelings and reach where nothing can become my weakness.

I returned to my hostel before 4:00AM, and laid on my bed to sleep for an hour or two, after waking up, I got ready for school, the long sleeves covered the fresh knife cuts on my arms, I put bit of powder on my skin while staring at the tired reflection on the mirror, the lifeless eyes, the dry lips, the same cold expression...it felt like a machine who has been instructed to perform their duties...before I could realize, I stopped contacting people, my family, my brothers, Louis, Caroline, and especially Maria...initially there used to be huge number of missed calls from their end...but as the time passed, the number reduced....they must have got tired to trying to reach out to someone who has gotten out of their reach...'What is wrong with me?' I always wondered....I have become someone whom I can hardly recognize....not that I am complaining...it's like a barrier of protection from expectations on humans.

Meanwhile, Hazel followed me everyday, trying to manipulate me against Jules, thanks to her, I discovered few things about Jules. Jules has an older brother living in Germany, she loves smoking and drinking, and usually dates men who are at a legal age for smoking and drinking alcohol so that she can get freebies being a minor, she changes men each week like clothes and makes out with them in the back alley, sometimes I feel ridiculous regarding her attitude. Yesterday, she was making out near a store, and the guy tried taking advantage of her, he clearly wanted something more than just kisses, when I tried helping her out, she got pissed on me, as if I interfering her 'good time', "Slut" I murmured under my breathe, promising myself that I would never help her out again.

I finally managed to drag myself to school, but the atmosphere was somewhat weird...people were staring at me while gossiping, though it wasn't something new for me...but the weird part was, the gossip was about Jules and her lovers....and in the whole thing...I still don't know why people are staring at me? I ignored their looks while walking towards my class, Jules and I were in same class after we both failed this year. Hazel approached me before I could enter in the classroom, as she whispered in my ear 'Take care....' Before walking off, reality dawned upon me...I shouldn't have come to school today, my heart throbbed loudly and there was a sharp ache in my head, something big is about to happen and there is no place for regrets...I noticed Jules and her team approaching towards me as I turned around to escape, a hand grabbed my wrist...it was Jules .. sweat formed on my forehead as her cold voice echoed in my ear "come with us." She commanded before dragging me towards the bathroom...everyone watched in silence....their lips murmured 'today she will learn her lesson' there was sounds of giggles and mocking voices....the corridor was soon crowded as the eyes focused on the bathroom door....there were anticipation and bets going on among the students, as they placed money on my life....Jules pushed me against the bathroom wall as one of the girl splashed a bucket filled with cold water on my body...Jules veins protruded on her forehead, her jaw was tightened and eyes red with hatred, this was the first time I saw her furious...everything was fun and game till now...but not anymore...there has been some misunderstanding but who will explain a person who has been blinded with anger...who would explain her that she has gotten the wrong person to vent her embarrassment.

Jules: Strip her! So that she understands how it feels to ruin people's reputation!! (She grits her teeth while commanding as her teammates grabbed me)

To be continued...