I Thought I Was A Devil

Choon Hee Part 1

Choon Hee: Hey Anne. There is still time, you can withdraw from this ridiculous competition even now. (She says out of concern) I am a trained athlete. You will just end up injuring yourself.

Me: (I was busy stretching my body before we started our race as I smiled while staring at her face) Don’t worry.

Choon Hee: (she bites her lower lip hardening her face) Do whatever you feel like. But don’t come crying to me. (She said before going to her position)

Jules: Anne, you sure about it? You are still on your menstruation….(she said in a low voice)

I nodded then looked at Victoria who maintained some distance from us. Her eyes were hopeful but she didn’t express her thoughts. Julie was there beside her, Julie stared at me and put up her thumb wishing me luck. The race soon began from our school gate, our aim running till the football ground. Grab the flag which is kept there and return to the school gate. Whoever returns first is the winner. Choon Hee changed her plan of the 400 mile race saying she was just kidding that day and instead came up with this idea. I mean….400 miles would be crazy…isn’t it?....Our speed was at par as we rushed towards the football ground and grabbed the flags. It was near an isolated alley when I tripped and fell with a thud. I grabbed my leg and winced in pain, my knee was scratched and blood came out from my injury.

Me: Agh!...(I groaned while holding my leg)

Choon Hee: (she stopped running and turned back looking at me. She paused for a second contemplating whether to let go of the competition and help me out or continue with her run. She then sighed and rushed towards me and helped me stand up) Can you walk? (She enquired in a concerned tone)

Me: (I tried touching my feet on the ground then whined in pain) agh! It hurts! (I said while holding on Choon Hee)

Choon Hee: (she bites her lower lip getting worried) Wait….(she helps me sit on the parapet) wait here, I will bring you some water. (She says before running towards a nearby shop)

As soon as she left, my expression turned cold as I stared at my injury and wondered if I should scratch it and make it bleed more. “I hope this is worth it”, I thought to myself. The first part of the plan was successful, now it was time for the second part. Last night I realized one thing, Choon Hee must have gone through something that has given her trauma towards football and I need to find out the reason behind it and help her get over it. Otherwise, even if I win this competition, there is no guarantee that she would join the team, or her trauma wouldn’t get further triggered. So to do that, first I need to gain her trust….and only one thing can help me get at her good side…..it’s….to open up…. About my own problems. My heart started beating faster, as I felt uneasy regarding the whole situation but there was no turning back now. I need to do this so that I can escape from this fucked up situation. “Yeah….I need to get out of this ridiculous punishment…..before I end up being greedy….”, I bite my lower lip while thinking to myself, “Don’t be greedy Anne…. You don’t deserve happiness".

I was lost in my train of thoughts when I felt something cold against my cheek. I looked up and noticed Choon Hee watching me quietly.

Choon Hee: Have some water. (She said before sitting beside me and giving me the chilled water) How is the injury? If it’s serious, we may need to take you to the hospital.

Me: (I opened the bottle and drank half of it before closing and returning it to her) I am fine…just need some rest….I will be fine…. Don’t worry…..(I bite my lower lip) I am sorry…. Because of me…..(I squeezed out some water from my eyes to make it more realistic)

Choon Hee: (she wipes my ‘tears’ making a troubled expression) Please don’t be like this. (She sighed) Everything is alright. (She said while stroking my head to comfort me)

Me: (I bite my lower lip while looking down) I am sorry for forcing you to join the club….I know you must have gone through a traumatic experience which is making you maintain distance from football. I can understand….

Choon Hee: NO YOU CAN’T !! (she screams almost losing her composure then snaps out of it as she looks away feeling guilty) I am sorry…I didn’t mean to be rude. (She bites her lower lip)

Me: It’s fine. (I patted her shoulder reassuring her) How would you know, if I can understand your pain or not, if you don’t even open up regarding it?

Choon Hee: Because no one can understand your pain unless they have gone through the same situation. (She says while biting her lower lip)

Me: And how did you assume that I haven’t faced a similar situation? Unless you share your experience, you wouldn’t know if the person you are speaking with has faced it or not. (I sighed then my jaw hardened) After all…I also used to play football until that situation happened…..(I said murmuring in a low voice while trying to control my anger and hatred)

Choon Hee: Wait….what? (She looks at me in a surprise) You are not making up things just to gain my attention, right? Because that’s not going to work. (She said in a stern manner)

Me: Don’t get me wrong….I am not trying to gain your attention…. Actually ….I….(my eyes sparkled with water that I squeezed out, I bit my lower lip remembering the incident as the expression darkened) I….was….I mean….(I gulped my spit) That incident broke me apart….(my breath increases as I bite my nail trying to calm myself. I don’t know when my acting got mixed with my real emotions. My body started trembling remembering Hana sis)

Choon Hee: So ….you also got sexually harassed by your coach? (She looked at me with sympathy)

Me: (I snapped back to the present scenario hearing her words as I stared at her blankly) Wait….what?

Choon Hee: N-No nothing…. Please continue….(she says getting awkward as she looks away).

I didn’t know how to react to her situation. She was right, I couldn’t relate, because I never faced this kind of abuse before in my life. I didn’t want to show her sympathy or say empty words. I bit my lower lip and pulled her into a warm hug without saying anything, I just embraced her trying to reassure her that she is safe now. So that, the dark  past, stop haunting her, in her present life.

Choon Hee: What are you….(her voice started to crack as she held on me burying her face on my shoulder and crying her heart out) Thank you…..(she said while holding on my t-shirt tightly as I stroked her head pulling her closer) I….I just need some time…..(her body trembled in fear)

Me: It’s fine….I am here…. Don’t worry. (I kissed her head)

Choon Hee continued crying for almost fifteen minutes, her eyes were swollen and red. Her nose looked reddish and even her cheeks were hot. She started feeling feverish due to letting out her buried emotions. She started having hiccups as she drank water in a clumsy manner trying to calm herself. I was there…..right beside her, consoling and embracing the poor child.

Choon Hee: (her voice was broken by now because of the emotional breakdown, she stared at my face for sometime before murmuring in a low voice) Can I trust you?....you won’t tell anyone right?....(her eyes were filled with embarrassment and fear)

Me: (I nodded slowly) yeah….it’s also fine if you don’t want to talk about it. I would understand and respect your decision. (I said while smiling faintly)

Choon Hee: No, I need to say this, I have to say…..I want to say….I cannot keep it within myself anymore. It….(her lips trembled as she shivered with fear) It….hurts a lot….you know….it hurts….that I trusted that woman….it hurts that….I don’t know whom to trust anyone….(her eyes sparkle with tears as she blinks to stop herself from crying again)

Me: Let it out, don’t hold back. (I said while patting her head)

Choon Hee: No….(she said while wiping her tears off and hardening her face) I am tired of being weak and crying and crying. I am tired of running away. I have already wasted my energy and time remembering that horrible person and her betrayal. I just want to move on, you know. Feel belonged, accepted for who I am, what I have gone through…. Everything. But I fear that I won’t be able to trust people ever again. (She gulps her spit) have you ever had the feeling….that everyone is out there waiting for you to fall so that they can tear your meat and eat you alive?....not literally….just mentally and emotionally. I don’t know whom to open up with my problems because I don’t have the slightest idea who my real friend is and who is there to watch me drown. (She licks her dry lip hesitating for a second) But for some reason, I want to trust you. I hope you won’t disappoint me. (She sighs)

Me: I will try to keep up to your expectations. (I smiled reassuring her)

To be continued