Buffy the Vampire Slayer Preferences + imagines/one shots

Spike - Villain

soulless spike is actually being soulless this time...
season 4

"What's this, pet?"

"A lampshade."

"It used to be a lampshade," he says, crouching down to gather the shards of ceramic that litter the floor of our crypt. Technically, it's his crypt, but I have been living here for a few months. It's not like he pays rent, so maybe it is our crypt... 

"I'll buy you a new one." 

Once he's collected the remains of the lampshade, he puts them in the kitchen bin and stands staring at me, expecting an explanation.

I sigh.

After a minute crawls by, he goes over to the fridge and pulls out a packet of smuggled hospital blood. He asks me if I want some too but I shake my head. He pours it into a glass.

"Sorry for smashing your lamp."

"It's okay."

"I was upset."

"Want to tell me why?"

I chew on my bottom lip, flexing my fingers out and in, out and in. It's this sort of tick I've developed recently, since I became a vampire, but right now it's doing nothing to settle the anxiety brewing in my stomach.

"If you don't want to talk to me, I can call Willow..."

He's trying to be helpful, I know he is, but the mention of her name makes me want to smash another household electrical.

I was sired half a year ago and it was then that I fell into a depression. Dark thoughts, darker than the demon lodged inside of me, consumed me until I didn't even recognise myself. I tried to keep it hidden and I thought I did, but Spike could see through me like a pane of glass. He asked me to move in with him, promised to get me blood and promised to listen when I needed to talk. I didn't want to talk, and didn't for a while, but when I was ready, so was he. 

So, I can tell him, right?

I swallow. 

I was at The Magic Box - Xander, Willow and Buffy confronted me. It felt like something out of a movie as they told me that they won't put up with the way I've been acting anymore. That I'm moody, distant and rude. 

There's truth to it, I know. Trying to act like my human self is a task that's near impossible because I'm not her. I've been a proper dick sometimes, but I thought being a dick was better than being a bloodthirsty vampire.  I'd try to hang out with them with my best smile but the mask would slip on occasion to expose the ugly, confused person I've become in the form of jabs and silent brooding. Despite this, I didn't realise I had become so... insufferable. I thought I needed time. I thought friends were supposed to give you that.

I told them things haven't been the same since I turned, that it's been a lot (understatement of the year). What do you do when you become the thing you've learnt to despise? They told me that they understood but I couldn't take my feelings out on them.

I love them more than anything else in this world.

And they don't want me around.

It sounded so definite. 

Once I've vomited out the story to Spike, he nods, quietly thinking.  

I want him to tell me they're right and that I deserve to be alone.

I want him to tell me they're ungrateful traitors and that he'd never leave me. 

I want him to smash lamps with me and make snow-angels in the shards.