Buffy the Vampire Slayer Preferences + imagines/one shots

Spike - Ever Since

Spike's POV

Ever since Drusilla left me, I've been trying to find the darkness within me that she brought out so effortlessly with varying success. Now there seems to be nothing inside me but a swirling mess of human emotions. I feel diseased. I feel rotten. Like my heart is beating with undulating earthworms. 

I tried more than ever to fix myself when I got this stupid chip in my skull. Without killing, what do I have left? Who am I? I lose a part of myself every time I drink that wretched pig's blood. 

And she has only made it worse.

It's such an awful feeling, caring. Whenever she's around, I care so much and it's not even in a I-want-to-pillage-a-village-and-make-love-in-their-blood kind of way, like I had with Dru. It's far worse. 

Whenever she's around I want to run my fingers through her hair and kiss the back of her hand and take her out of this hell-hole of a town so she can be safe. I find myself reverting back into that prattling poet I killed centuries ago and I loathe it.

I should loathe her. I want to. But I can't.

So I avoid her. I don't look at her. I don't mention her name unless I have to.

Well, I tried, but it was impossible. She looked so sad once she noticed and I couldn't bare to carry on.

Angelus taught me that the worst thing a woman can make you feel is human, which is exactly what she does. I know I'll never be human, a proper man worthy of keeping her, which makes the bloody feelings I have all the more treacherous. 

I hate what it's doing to me, but I could never hate her. 

Unfortunately.  

-----___--__----_---

"I'm scared." she whispers.

"I know. Just breathe with me, yeah?"

"I can't breathe with you. You don't breathe, dumbass."

"I'm trying to bloody help you. In for four, yeah?"

She nods, drawing in a shaky breath as I count quietly.

"Three... four. Good. Hold it," I hold up my finger for four more seconds and then drop it, "Breathe out for four."

There's a gang of demons in The Magic Box. We were both in the basement, sorting through new magic junk for Giles, when we heard screams up above. I can sense two dozen heart-beats, too rapid to be human, and can smell something pungent and sour. I can't tell what type of demon it is, but it's a demon alright. 

I feel like a coward, hiding down here, but it's the best way to keep her safe. If I go up there to battle however many there are up there, no matter how good I am, what's to stop one from sneaking past and coming down here? I am not going to take any risks. 

There's a crash from upstairs and a woman screams. I think the demons have trapped the customers, and my best guess is that they're having themselves a feast.

She flinches, screwing her eyes shut.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you, I swear."

She doesn't open her eyes or give any indication that she heard me, except for reaching out to grasp a handful of my jacket. I take her hand and squeeze it in mine. Her body is rigid and she forgets she needs to breathe.

"Hey," I say quietly, "In for four again, yeah?"

Her eyes burst open as another anguished scream from upstairs rings out. Still, she takes the breath while I count. It's not doing a world of good, but it's something. I can't have her fainting.