it is what it is // GLENN RHEE

t h i r t y-t w o

I KNOCKED ON BETHS DOOR TO SEE HOW SHE WAS DOING. but when i opened the door she was crying and her food hasn't been touched.

"couldn't eat a thing, huh? you're gonna—" i cut myself off to look at her. she was silently crying looking off into space.

i walked around her bedside table and knelt down to the ground in front of her. "hey." i said softly to her, "i know how hard it is. i tried for days to reach my dad, get him on the phone. i can only assume—"

"it's just so pointless." beth cut me off. "oh. you have maggie, your father, patricia and jimmy. and you've gotta stay strong for them." i told her as i was getting tears in my eyes. "i wish i could promise you it would be all right in the end. i can't, but we can make now all right. and we have to." i said to her.

"thank you." she said as she looked me in the eyes. "i'll be right back, i'm going to go get lori for that walk that she wanted to go on with you."
i told her as i got up and shut her door.

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Right after i had left beth and lori i had went with glenn and maggie out in the field. andrea came and got us about 10 minutes later saying that lori needed us.

when maggie and j got inside lori told us about what beth was about to do.

"are you crazy? what if dad finds out?" maggie raised her voice at beth. she was livid. i was upset but not as much as maggie was. i understood the pain of cutting yourself. i did it a few times these past weeks but i try to cover up the scars with my bracelets.

beth tilted her head, "what's he gonna do? kill me for committing suicide?" beth sneered. maggie walked over to beth's side of the bed and sat down while i still stood at the door. "quit being such a brat. he'd die. so would i. this isn't just about you. we all lost mom." maggie told her softly.

"we'll lose each other. and i couldn't stand that." beth said.

"so you give up?" maggie asked her. beth just quietly shook her head. i eventually left the room because they weren't my family and i didn't need to intrude on their conversation.

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About five minutes after i left i heard screaming coming from beth's room. i hated that maggie had to get onto beth. what i hated even more is that beth wanted to do suicide. it's not fair. the world isn't fair. why is the world so shitty now?

i once wanted to do suicide. i do right now. but i cant. i have rick, glenn, daryl, and shane. carl. lori. maggie and beth now. what would happen to them if i were to just off myself? no doubt if beth did that it would hurt us all. only maggie and hershel would be in the most pain because they've known beth all her life.

i walked into the kitchen to see andrea and lori there. i gave them a small smile and a nod. i walked through the kitchen to outside on the porch. i couldn't take all the screaming in the house anymore.

i eventually wandered over to my tent and sat down on my cot. i cried a little because i missed my mom and dad. i wonder where they would be right now. were they alive? were they dead? did they come back as walkers? i really don't know.

i'm hoping that they just died. i don't want them to fend for themselves in this messed up world. i'm pretty sure rick would say the same about our parents.

i started thinking to how glenn and i were doing, we haven't talked in a couple of days. i've been avoiding him again. i didn't want to but i just felt like he needed the space.

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i walked into the house to check on beth. when i walked into her room the door was wide open. she was no where to be seen. i could hear her crying. then i heard glass break and more sobbing.

i quickly yelled out for maggie and started pulling on the door, "beth! cmon, open the door, please!" i banged on the door as maggie ran into the room.

"what's going on? where beth?" she said as she looked to the door i was tugging on and it all clicked for her.

lori came in through the other door, "presley?" she said. "beth is in there. i heard glass break. she's in there." i said as maggie tried to open the door.

"don't do this. don't do this, beth." maggie kept pulling on the door knob. lori started saying some words but i blocked it all out as i ran out of the house.

i felt like i was about to have another heart attack. i ran out to the barn where the horses were and slowly slid down the wall.

i was trying to slow my breathing as it seemed like everything was going in slow motion. what was happening to beth had given me deja vu from a year ago when i once tried to kill myself.

i didn't like how beth was wanting to kill herself. there's no good experience from wanting to go and kill your self.

i saw a blurry figure run up to me. i couldn't make out who it was. everything was blurry. i could barely hear. i could only hear a faint voice. it sounded like glenn's voice.

"pres? presley!? presley, cmon, breath for me." he started to say, "cmon. deep breaths. in and out. cmon, pres. you can do this. i can't loose you, presley nicole grimes. i just can't." he started to tear up.

once i got my breathing under control he hugged me tightly. "i'm sorry glenn. i'm so so sorry." i cried into the crook of his neck.

he pulled back a little with a confused look on his face, "what? why are you sorry?" he asked me. "because i'm the reason that your in deep shit right now. all because i told you that i love you." i cried out.

he gave me a saddened expression, "that is not your fault. i was being a jerk because i just stood there and said nothing of the sort. you. are. not. to. blame." he told me.

"do you understand?"

i nodded my head. he helped me get up from the sitting position i was in. he asked me if i wanted to go inside but i just shook my head no and he sat me down in one of the chairs outside on the porch of the house.

i told him everything that happened with beth. he said he'd go check in on maggie and lori and see what was going on.

all i did was nod my head and let him leave.

so, glenn and presley made up. kinda!
maybe they'll talk more soon?
i cried when i had to write about beth wanted to do suicide.
what i hate even more is that andrea let beth do what she tried to do.