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21/06/98
Dear Dylan,
50 days since I've seen you. 9 days since I've seen Hermione.
This is really, really bad. I feel almost as low right now as I did in Azkaban. There was no community service this week because our supervisor has come down with a case of Spattergroit and they're scared it will spread. I really don't want to get Spattergroit. My face is scarred enough, as Muriel and Umbridge can attest to.
How did you put up with Muriel? I'm seriously asking. Can you give me a sign or something? I can't even fathom it. You were stuck in her house for months. How did you do it? Knock twice for "I hated that hag".
Ok then. I guess you liked her - she seemed to like you, at least.
Anyway, no community service meant no leaving the house. And I can't bring myself to concentrate long enough to do any reading. So I've spent this whole week staring out the window and pacing here and there. And it's rained the whole time too. It's like Mother Nature and I are deeply interconnected: when I cry she cries.
I've also spent a lot of time sitting at your bedroom door. I'm still too scared to go in (while sober) (don't ask). It will hurt too much and I can't take it right now.
Molly said yesterday she's worried about me.
I don't know what to say.
Willow stole all the Firewhisky and other alcohol from the house because she's worried the same thing that happened to Olivia will happen to me.
She's not far off but that doesn't mean I didn't get really angry at her and shout at her. A lot.
She left and hasn't been back since. So now I feel even worse.
Something must be really wrong with me if I feel bad for arguing with Willow of all people.
Nadir and I finally had a serious chat about Olivia, or rather, about what I did to Olivia. It was very uncomfortable and I cried the whole time and so did he. I guess it was kind of therapeutic though.
I don't think Amanda will ever talk to me again and I can't say I really blame her. Oh well. At least I have Nadir and Olivia (kind of. Olivia's not angry but she's hurt and disappointed, remember?).
And Nadir? Well, despite the fact I've known him longer, it feels like he'd choose Olivia over me. I guess I understand, she's his daughter, like biologically or whatever. But I really love him and I thought he really loved me too. Well, I think he does, but maybe not enough. Maybe I'm not enough.
I've been thinking about Father a lot this week. Specifically, the fact that I killed him. My own father. I know he was a bad person and he was going to hurt Nadir and Olivia and me, and that he'd been hurting us our whole lives, but sometimes I wonder... I don't know. He always said he was doing what was best for me and that he wanted to help me. Sometimes I believe him, I suppose. Is that bad? Pathetic? He really seemed to believe it himself. He said he loved us. He teared up, which I've never seen before, when I told him you were dead.
I don't know. I'm not trying to justify anything he did. But he really thought he was right. So I guess I'm struggling with that.
When I think about his death, I can't tell if I feel relieved or remorseful.
I should probably be telling Tabitha this, not you. It's hard though, to say it all out loud.
Song of the week is Three Lions '98 because apparently football's coming home, whatever that means.
Love, Robyn
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August | Hermione Granger x OFC
Fanfiction'The one with the power to See, Born to those who served him, Born as the first month dies, The Dark Lord will wish to mark her, The Chosen One will need her in order to succeed, Her choice will determine our fate...' CALLING ALL HERMIONE SIMPS this...
