i need to be new

7 Dec 2023

Bite the inside of my lower lip. Hang around and listen to what I don't understand. In between two ideas, attempting to explain myself. I wish I could just read and not worry, shoot baskets, not worry. Bless my mother, give forgiveness, pray to God that He'll change me, make me like Him. And I pray when they hear facts about reality, explicit proof why their whole life's cornerstone is flawed, I pray it breaks them, ruins them, punches them in the chest, head. But that they find God, peace, joy, safety. I pray that it works. He works. He is amazing. I prayed 'LORD I am sorry.' Then I made the mistake again. He told me to apologise -- I broke down in tears and I did. Cause I did wrong, I failed, He kept with me, guided me, gave me His Spirit, the gift of repentance -- He helped me.
See him again. It all comes back like a flood. I didn't recognise you, but I know I loved you. I love your heart. They all talk bad, say you're down bad, like you always have been. But you were such a good friend to me. Your soul is so visible. My heart breaks when I see that you don't know. But He does, and I told Him some things. How I loved you. You're beautiful. Stay? You won't. It's been a few years. I really wish it hadn't. Sadly we move on. I hope though it gets worse, it gets infinitely better. You don't look amazing but your face got cleaner. Your eyes got shinier. I hope I see you in heaven. I would still. I would still. Beseech the LORD.

I'm always scared something I do will hurt someone, that they'll take it wrong. Folly, mustn't I just trust You? I told You I trusted You. 

Used to trail you like I knew you. Wrote you something. Never showed you. Guess that did it because I didn't lie. Seeing after so many years is such a feeling of fulfillment, assurance. Do you think heaven'll be like that? It's a glimpse of hope -- beautiful. How we still live, things grow. 

But I never cared how much of a simp you were. You know God catches us when we fall. But I pray I see you in heaven. When there's probability you don't believe, I feel like crying. So I'll say something -- I will. But I have God to thank for this. Oh, He is glorified. 

I remember when he left; a basketball game. I went over and said bye. Nothing else. I'll see you later. Walked away. No picture, no hug, a wave. 

I cried in the car home. A lot. I would still take the bullet for your safety, your salvation. But thanks for sparking life in me, determination. Pain is proof you're living, so is love. 

Imagine love enough to break a heart, enough to heal it back. Enough for me to hold you long after you've left. Especially when you determine my whole emotions. I overheat. Feel like crying and laughing and screaming at the top of my lungs. You didn't change. You did. But you didn't. My lungs keep breathing but it's heavy. I spoke some. I spoke accuracy. 

And I could tell all this and have no idea why. I don't know the story, I don't know the purpose. I don't even know why I'm panicking and sad right now. Nothing happened. 

So I walk around. I buy a drink. Second one today, but I need relief. I need to tell God, ask Him why. But it seems all I really know how to do is mope. So I need Him, I need them. Wait. 

He shows up, He always does. We talk and no it's not awkward. I'm not disliked. I'm remembered. But more than that, I have nothing to be sad about. It's perfection in the end. All I know is God is perfect and I'm not.