i need to be new

July 21, 2024

I love you
You mean the world to me
And surely it was meant to be because I never meant to know you
We were seated together and we couldn't wait to get away because you were a jerk
And you hurt me in some ways I probably can't regulate to
But I remember most of the things
You were fourteen
You were annoying
You were in my mind like a person I got used to
And you were a burning wreck you just hid it well
Not well enough it didn't infect others
But I texted you every day for about two years
You were all I had
I imitated you like Paul told us imitate him
But it was negative
But you let me know it was possible
I lived in a bubble
But you showed me where the jail corner was
And I saw you last year
You a different man
Unrecognisable
And if I ever doubt I look at you because God works wonders
And if He can do that He can do anything
So you mean so much because you filled some squares in my heart
And you're proof of God and His faithfulness to me
I saw you without God, and then I saw you changed by Him
Now you're gone
I'm with your family
But you're gone
And it feels so wrong
But I know you know God never goes back on His promises
He ordained all our steps
And He never forsakes us
So we all cry even though apart
We've all learned to have joy through our trauma
And I'm getting to terms with life now
Though I grieve
That nowhere is home and everywhere is home
But I can't listen to NF because of you
It feels wrong
I can't live in depression and sin
I have to trust God
I know He's faithful
NF just hurts anyway because I remember you and how you changed
You were completely different
I pray the same could be seen in me, giving July 18th.
You're almost 19.
I asked God if I could imitate who you are now
You're amazing