i need to be new

July 22, 2024

I hear footsteps, doors closing, whispers from the creaky hallway
And I know it's warm right outside the door my head is next to
But there are lights on tall buildings
Blue
It feels old and I'm comfortable
But a lot is gone
But it's okay to have all the pain
Your family is here
But you are not here
Your presence doesn't fill these walls anymore
You're not here like you used to be

We've been here for 7 hours
Naps make living easier
I have you at home
But I don't have him anymore
I remember him in middle school like it was yesterday
A broken yesterday
We can recover from
But we were the same and we lose a lot
I know you hurt, I know your family does
but I know you're better because God carries you

And I'll come to terms like eventually
I have many homes and none
And I need food because they just took 4 test tubes of blood out of me
So my hearts still beating
And I wanna say I'll always be here but I can't say it
Cuz I might get lost
But Lord will help me copy how I should
And I have all we need to know to get through
He is faithful

But you won't care
I'm not a desirable human
So I don't try to talk because I know you won't listen and I'll regret trying to talk
Because you like them better because they're like your wife
And you mix us together but only for her
Like she bullies me but you still love her more
Yeah I don't exist
Just let me leave
Why do you need me to suffer your presence
She's perfectly healthy, 20/20 vision so she's better right
Just lose me by now
Why am I here
Why do they push you away and you hug them
But I ignore you and you sigh
Like I'm hopeless

He said you're good for me
And I think so
You calm me down
You always know what to say
But you're not rude
You're hilarious
You have a lot of depth
You're more laid back than me
Your steps are watched
I miss you

And I feel bad like how can I listen to that
And it be just
Like I break down when you come in cuz I broke too
I'm sorry
Could you forgive me
Could you fix me
Because some people fix me
At least in the moment

I miss you
How do I say bye
Do I just forget you
Why are you someone I can't ever forget
And I try but you meant something
Why did you make eye contact that long
You're more vulnerable than you were last time
I'm so happy for you
I think they knew you longer than I did
Except I met you before I started grade school
But I know God had that seating arrangement so we'd meet each other
Because what are the chances there were like 30 people in that room
And I thought you were so annoying
Probably because you were
And a little trauma
Maybe you made me rethink everything in my life
And I kept your number
Called you once
But how are you gone
But you're not, God's got you
I know He's got me too
But I'm frantic, wondering
Thank you for the hug
You're the best and you grew up
You're special still
God did something to my heart through you