i need to be new

September 30, 2024

I keep forgetting I don't exist
I'm illegitimate
Not allowed to be a girl
But if I sit here and cry when it rains
I forget I can make poetry out of it
And it'll shine like the pavement reflects on the clouds, even as they melt
Don't develop a disorder
Remember support will come soon
Like next afternoon
When you might wake up
Did you forget you hurt me
For the five years you ignored me?
For when you made assumptions and never brought it up once?
And then you want to act like you care about me
Oh, you were scared of me?
Because you tell them not to talk
But I'm supposed to?
Every time I open my mouth you yell at me
You think I'll call you when I'm gone?
My self-esteem fell through the ground because no one in my own house likes me anymore
Why would I want to leave my room?
Why would I want to say something?
I don't want more pain
But the pain goes on
And I'm supposed to feel it my whole life I guess
It never leaves
I see it on every person
So why do I live then?
I don't trust you with spiritual matters
Because you broke my trust with simple things
And you broke me when I was already broken
You pretended you saw me crying at 2am
But you didn't
You didn't see me when I wanted to die in the guesthouse
But He saw me, right?
Because He still holds my tears
And He saw the places I won't confess
Because I'm ashamed
Because I lost everything I had
And I was hurt
And I have things, I don't understand why I did them
I'm just dumb
I don't like myself most of the time either
It's still blue
I'm still weeping so far from any place called home and anywhere where I could receive your love
And no one can hear me
No one can see me
But He does
I don't know why He did this
I wish I knew sometimes
Is there still hope for me?
He still changes eyes
Even if they're long lost already
Isn't He great
When no one cared, He did
If I'm the only one
He saw me
Even though I'm sure there's worse
He comforted me
And I'm dumb
But He loves me