i need to be new

18th February, 2024

Hello 
Do you sleep at night? 
Is your father gone a lot or is he active? 
I assume the best because you look great. 
Kind of famous but I don't even know your first name.
I've talked to you-- I said thanks for being the only nice one on the whole team.
The others, talking trash to my people. 
Thanks for not. 
Thanks for encouraging in truth. 
Thanks for staying coolheaded. 
You smile all the time-- is it just because you always win? 
But you know the best players eventually look lame because we expect more of them. 
You know you look great. 
Your straight chocolate hair flipping, your skin browned. 
I thought you might have been Brazilian. 
I hope you have hope, though you ran away to a different world, a world of power? 
They like you. 
Your eyes do something. 
Most of their eyes aren't so soft as yours. 
Yours look honest. 
Yours look like something I'd feel for. 

Like when he punches the ground and my heart hurts. 
They hide their faces, but they'll be better tomorrow. 
He hurts, he takes the blame, he holds it together. 
She gathers him in her arms and he breaks down. 
I can't imagine all the pain. 
Thousands of people and all of us are ruined, none of us are enough.
We are all bruised and wretched, we panic, we can't breathe for a second alone. 
We pretend we can. 
We put on façades not even we see through. 
We yell at others, it comes out searing hot. 
We hurt ourselves by our own actions.
Imagine-- He felt all of our pain. 
He took all of our shame that we could never get over.
The load was far too heavy. 
But He is God; we are not. 

Imagine-- 
You looked up to him, respected him, he was a good example. 
He was funny, smart, coached you. 
You engaged in conversation; trusted him enough to live next to you. 
You've always known what's right-- you're black and white-- it's not complicated:
Follow God. 
He told us enough to be with us. 
You know your job that your God has given you. 
You have a sister so you watch over her-- defend her; you love her. 
What if they got too close, you didn't know, you couldn't stop it, it wasn't up to you. 
Now his hands are all over her body and they have proof. 
Did you fail? 
Are you heartbroken in a billion ways? 
Is it welling up in your heart in shame? 
Do you know it's up to God now-- 
You just chill, you just chill? 

Do you blame him? 
Reject that she had a part in it? 
I heard you say he deserves death if he truly did it to her.
You stared at the ground thinking about it. 
Now you know it effects more than those there. 

To the boy I don't know, who started this:
You remind me of someone I do know. 
He's friendly despite all the objectification he's dealt with. 
His face dry with tears, he's still lighthearted. 
He'll have fun with his reputation, he's honest. 
I'll miss him when he leaves. 
He was a good one. 

And then I stumbled across you on Duolingo. 
You don't follow anyone. 
You rip a little or do I let everyone at this point? 
Not like anyone said you were ripped, 
laughed when I said you smile back. 
I wonder where you're from. 
Do you tie with your dad? 
Can you drive through empty forests on neat streets,
listening to the radio that's sure to break your heart and leave it bleeding on that lonely street where someone died, 
your phone reflects on the window but that's all except for the occasional headlights. 
Do you get it too?
The white-painted wooden doors making marks on the carpet
and the gold doorknobs are twisted and still turn. 
Are you gone here like I got? 
Are you confused beyond reconciliation, like I got? 
Do you miss skyscrapers, restaurant lights? 
Overcast but the trees are dainty. 
Everyone's busy but everyone's calm. 
And you could miss everything- architecture, food. 
Do you know anything else? 
Am I just lost? 
Hello, am I just lost?