i need to be new

July 20, 2024

There are some days it will hang down on you
Even if you have emotional response delay like I do
It hurts sometimes
Like I don't want you to be gone
I don't want everything to be gone
But no one asked me for my opinion
Looks like a sob story
Or do I just feel like feeling
But I've missed you
And I can mourn the days that never happened
We can ask
But I know You don't leave us
But don't leave me bitter
Like I so often have been
We all know what's true about it
I pray for the people of this country
Even so
Oh the good times we've had
Oh the wonderful beauty I've seen
Oh the people I will always love
and oh
The faithfulness of God
His love higher than the heavens above the earth
Though we are yet to comprehend
I'm so thankful
I'm thankful you can lift your hands and cry
And you can trust God
And you can encourage me with a heart deeper than words you can say
It's not over now
There's more
I barely believe you're the same person I sat with in Malaysia
You're not
Let me cry about you
And how crazy it is
I pray I'd imitate you now
And not the other you like I used to
Love you forever and thanks for everything
But it's not the end
I needed all of you
But I have all I needed
The yellow grass and the short green trees
A new heritage
You know we did it
We made it
We were little
And time didn't slow
We were the little kids we're high-fiving
And now we're out here walking the aisle
We're gonna live
Some things don't get closure
And some things we'll never recover from
Some things still break our hearts
But we all know the same struggle
And my heart overflows with thankfulness to You Lord
For You are the One who made it beautiful
You fixed us
You made us new, You made us Yours
You made it worth missing
Because You orchestrated
You didn't lose us
You know
You gave us this testimony
We are the ones with the hope
Even in the graveyard
We are the ones who trust in the faithfulness of the God of Heaven
We are not abandoned
We are changed, unrecognisable
Thank God for His work and His patience and His perseverance in pursuing us
For which we can then praise Him
For He takes away our hearts of stone and gives us hearts of flesh
Praise be to God
Forget not all His benefits

A little "fine" depression on the floor because it's ending
A little walking through the London hood and ignoring all the guys
A bleak face but you're true and a few jokes I didn't know we could do
A few screams from a hidden chasm
Everyone knows it's there
And when you get mad for a just cause
And when you know truth better than me
And when we bully each other but it's all in good fun
It's not over now
But we all believe lies sometimes
But these pains will heal
I'm overwhelmed with thankfulness to my God
I never want to leave Him
He's always faithful
We did everything
Worth doing that is
I have pictures of you on a rooftop
And I felt loved
Save me from myself
You know how I get Lord
You know lies are easier to believe some of the time
And you know it's hard that I can't keep the people I wish wouldn't leave
It makes me want to hide my face and cry
Thank You for being my peace
And being humourous
And loving
And letting it be okay if I hide my face and cry for a minute
You did
I even feel sad, like I'm leaving a home
A place I liked
I think you might want me back there
Somehow
The depravity of the people
In which they look for things to fill their voids and make something happen in the hopeless lives they're living
It breaks my heart
It's a beautiful country so Lord let them see You in it
Let them not grow calloused to the beauty they've seen their whole lives
For humans are hard of heart, even myself
No man is good
But You are amazing
And I have seen You in men
What are we that You think of us?
I just looked at google maps
Who are we that You chose the desert to place Your people in, one surrounded by green?
For You are the only relief
You are the life in the desert
And every green spot without You
Is not green
Somehow You chose us as Your own
Even his eyes changed
They're different now
Because You touched them
You work and we don't even know it
So we all prayed for the sound guys at the back who heard of You all week
And I know You are faithful
I know You are faithful
I see how You were faithful to break into my completely broken friend and leave him a completely new creation
And I heard You speak to me on an airplane over Iraq
He's even there
I trust You are faithful
Show Yourself Lord
Prove Yourself as You have
For Your right hand holds me up 
You have dealt bountifully with me
You never change
Same God from when I was 6
Same God in the USA, in China, in Czechia, in Thailand
You don't change
You don't fail
You're always good

But what if I'm treated like that?
Left alone five years
They don't care
Not enough to try anyway
But of course they know, of course they do
They've never asked
Why do they assume
And then act like they told me something when they didn't
When I know more for some reason
When I have actual trauma from everything being my fault even when it wasn't
And being raised to not talk, I was taught no one wanted to listen
I love the people in Asia, possibly more
But can I go back to Czechia now?
I miss it
A little while and they don't need to have anything to do with me
Why need everything bother me

O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in Your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me.