i need to be new

Spring 2020 (Aug 12, 2024)

I was supposed to write a poem about this earlier, better late than never
Haven't seen you in four years so it might as well do
All I remembered was your name - I had it spelled wrong in my brain - but I remembered your face shape, your hair, it was long
I can't say whether it was your eyes or your stare
But I remembered that
You had blue eyes
But so bright in colour that if I say blue I don't envision what they were
I don't believe we spoke two words to each other, if that
So why do I remember you?
Why did I recognise your name in a random place four years later?
We didn't spend time together
I saw you three days of my life, if that
Probably one, or even two
You and who was she, your sister, half-sister, cousin, second cousin, babysitter?
You followed her with a look of being lost in your eyes, like you weren't sure what was going on, you just followed
Like a child
But that was combined with a look of being found, like you had something I wanted to know
It was strange
But if I try to explain the reader probably won't get it
You weren't average by any means
I don't know if anyone is
But what did I remember you for?
You never said a word
Well, that's not true
Just not to me
You seemed very quiet, kind of out of it
But you must've talked because you answered all their questions
And we must have, just not to each other
Seventh graders
Because I noticed our voices changed
And I thought that was funny
Interesting
Your eyes were quite intolerable, quite unique, quite unashamed
Like you weren't really shy you just gave the persona
And you wouldn't break eye contact
So you bothered me
Because neither would you smile
Not a glimpse of smile anywhere on your face
Did I smile?
I don't remember
I had more reason not to than you had, probably.
You were handsome then
Still are, more so
I never liked you, never spoke to you
Just never forgot your name
It fits you
How else did I know you
You took pictures of everything
Always had your camera
My siblings loved it, your personal models
I didn't
Your vibe was... maybe I just didn't like your eyes on me
Your stare, if I saw it in an airport after ten years I'd probably know it, connected with the name I tied it with - spelled wrong in my brain because I never saw it on paper
It didn't feel safe
But you took one of me
I came down from a slide, a child having fun
And you snapped one
I never said anything to you
You didn't even look at me
You walked away
Was that unpleasant?
I didn't know what to think of you, maybe
You walked into my house and my parents were gone
Sat around a table and we stared at each other
We didn't talk, we stared at each other for an hour
They talked
Around us
We went on a walk and I remember your hair in the sun
And you never said anything to me
But you looked at me
Was she watching you because your mom was busy and your dad was gone
No one knew where he had gone
I'm sorry
I know how years go on and you sound like me
Smoke and an addiction, do you smile now?
Do they like you?
Your dad didn't want you
Are you okay?
Because I never forgot you
You were a point of interest to me
All humans fail, do you know?
Are you hopeful?
Or do you just float like a breeze under the sun that has fairy dust in it?
That doesn't know it's such
You showed up and said you're sorry for the past you had
Was that me too?
We never knew it would happen
I know
Me too
Don't choke on the oxygen
They hear your voice and it's unique the same
Like your eyes
Like your cheekbones
Gives the sunlight again
But even the sunlight changes

Despite the change
You're still a mystery to me nowadays
Seeming you should be one way, you're another way
Say you're depressed, you have courage and consistency beyond your years
Like you keep going and you keep your head and you deal with it and you forgive
And you knew what's wrong, put your dad on blast
But you still seem quiet, in all black like backstage
Dare I call your voice angelic
What a picture to be shot with a camera
And I'm sure it all kills you sometimes, driving you insane like family torture you said
But you still have the same stare and the something I want to have but don't yet
You'll go smile in your own way, until next time

What a sight