Adopted By Hamilton

Chapter 17. Groff, No one can know.

Sam's POV

"Wait, I'm confused." I said as Pippa tried to explain what she called "the Sondheim supremacy." Apparently he is a living legend. "Stephan Sondheim is one of the most influential people in music as we know it. He is responsible for some of the best shows to ever be on broadway." Lin chimed in. "He made Sweeney Todd, West Side Story, Into The Woods, Company, and so much more." Lin added. The only show from the list I sort of knew was Sweeney Todd. Lin has been trying to rope me into musical theatre for a while now.

"Okay, I get it now." I said just trying to get out of this conversation. Lin and Pippa nodded in approval and we moved on. "Hey, I think some people were wanting to go to the mall and last minute Christmas shopping tomorrow, you are welcome to come with us if you would like." Pippa said, taking a sip of her warm tea. I looked at Lin shyly hoping he would let me. Not that I have anything to buy, or any money for that fact, but I just wanted to spend some time with people. "Can I go?" I asked Lin who was busy working on his laptop. He looked up at me. "Yeah of course. Get some new clothes while you are there." He smiled and went back to his computer. The thing was, I didn't have any money to buy new clothes with, and I certainly wasn't going to ask Lin.

I just nodded and played with my shoelace a bit. Something about asking for anything made my heart skip a beat. And the thought of Christmas made my throat close up. Christmas has never been a happy time for me. It is always filled with yelling from my parents and them forgetting to get me anything. I felt like a burden. Was I burdening them? What if they don't want me? I am so stupid for thinking they want me. You are dumb. Just relapse. They don't even care.

At that moment I felt like I couldn't breathe. My heart started to pound in my chest, and my whole body seemed to shake. The room seemed to close around me and I needed to leave. I hated this. I finally stood up and speed walked to the nearest empty room I could find. Or at least I thought it was empty.

I closed my eyes and tried to calm my mind, but the thoughts still lingered in my head. My attention turned to my arms and the scars that lingered on them. How I hadn't hurt myself in a few months. How I thought I was doing better. Just do it. Just relapse and start over. You are a burden, just do it. My head was spinning with the dark thoughts that kept quiet for months, and now this. I opened my eyes and searched my surroundings for anything. I immediately recognized I was in Lin's dressing room. I shakily stood and went to one of his drawers and found a thumb tack. Just what I needed.

I sat back down on the floor and my mind could not keep quiet. I needed to do it. To feel something. And to think I was doing okay. I rolled up my sleeve and took the thumb tack to my arm, starting to drag it across my arm. Pushing harder into my skin. And then my mind went black. There was blood coming from my arm and the pain caused me to wince. One more scar added to the rest. They are going to be so disappointed in you. They are going to hate you.

I dropped the thumb tack and started to cry into my knees. You are so disgusting. You look stupid. Why would you do that to yourself? You are just doing this for attention. My brain would not shut the fuck up.

I did nothing to stop the blood from my arm and continued to cry, until I heard a voice coming from the other side of the beads. "Hello- who's, woah, woah, woah." It was Groff. "Hey, breathe. Honey, breathe. Look at me." I did. He took a deep breath and I copied him. My body still shaking from everything. He took another deep breath and counted to four on his fingers and then exhaled. I did the same. "So I need you to breathe."

I took another breath. "I don't know what is wrong, I don't know what got you here. But it is all going to be okay." I don't believe him. "I know you might not believe me, but look around, look right in front of you. What is there, just in this moment what is there." I shakily took another breath and started. "T-t-there is a-a photo of L-Lin an-and Van-nessa." My words came out a stuttering mess. "What else?" He asked. I looked around more and found my eyes wandering to a bookshelf. "T-the book-k shelf." I stuttered again.

"Okay good. What is its function?" The question kept coming. "To hold t-the books." I replied. "What color is it?" He asked again. "White." My cries kept my breathing from normal. "Okay. Okay. I am proud of you." He smiled. "Can you tell me what time it is?" Jon asked. My eyes wandered to the clock on the wall. "T-twelve ten-n" I answered to the best of my ability.

"Okay. Do you know where you are?" He was searching for any questions he could to get my mind off of everything, and it was working. "A-at-t the theatre." I responded. "Good. Now why. What is the purpose of you being here right now?" Jon inquired. "L-Lin takes m-me here w-wh-when nobody is home." I returned. "Okay. Okay." He smiled and took another deep breath with me. "Just keep breathing. I am right here with you." I tried to take another deep breath with him.

"Pull yourself in this moment, to take some time. But you are going to get out of it. I promise you." He took another deep breath. "I have them. I have them. It's going to be okay. Okay?" I nodded. "It is all going to be alright. I am proud of you. Keep going okay?" I nodded.

"Name five colors in this room. Just five." Jon spoke softly. "Gre-en. Purple. B-blue. Red. Yellow-w." I listed. "Okay, good. I am so proud of you. Just keep breathing." I took another deep breath. "Do whatever you need to do at this moment to be okay. Anything at all." I nodded. "You are doing great." I took another breath. Then another. Then one more. My breathing started to regulate and I was less shaky. "I hope this helped. I know this doesn't fix everything, but at least I hoped it helped."

Groff opened his arms and pulled me in then. "You are enough." He whispered in my ear. We broke the embrace and I started to feel again. I immediately felt the sharp stabbing coming from my arm and I looked down at the blood still running down my forearm. Groff followed my gaze and sighed. "Kid." He said with a soft tone. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." I said with tears threatening to spill out of my eyes again.

"It's okay. Let me get you a band aid." He said standing up and grabbing the band aid that was left on Lin's desk. "Here." He opened the wrapper and put the bandage on my arm. "Talk to me, kid." He said putting a hand on my knee. "I just panicked. And my brain was telling me terrible things. I deserved it." I sighed. "You do not deserve self-inflicted pain my sweet child." Groff tried to ease my mind. "Yes I do. I feel like I have only made it harder on everybody my whole life. My parents had the hardest time with me when they kicked me out. Groff I can't even stand me. I just wish I could be normal. I wish this stupid body was mine!" I immediately stopped. I realized I messed up. No. No, no, no, no, no. Maybe he didn't notice.

"Sam, it's okay. Calm down." He took another deep breath. "You don't deserve any of this. You are a strong young man and you are going to get through this." He reassured me. "Please talk to me if you feel like doing this. I am here for you." I nodded. "Groff, no one can know, not even Lin. He is going to hate me, please don't tell him." I pleaded with him. If Lin found out I had self harmed again he would be so mad at me. "Sam, I think you should tell him." Groff said honestly. "No! He will be so mad." I was so scared that Groff would say something. "Sam this is about your safety, he isn't going to be mad. For right now I will not tell him, but if you don't soon I will. I want you to be safe." Groff explained. "Fine." I sighed. I knew that I had to tell Lin. I couldn't. And Daveed. When he finds out he is going to be so disappointed in me. I told him I would talk to him if it ever got this bad.

"I love you kid. Please don't do this. We all love you." Jon pulled me into another hug. This hug felt safe. These next few days are going to be rough. What do I even tell Lin? What if he gets really mad at me? I don't know how to even have that conversation.

Hey cuties. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Also we ❤️ Groff. Make sure to vote and don't be shy to comment or DM me any suggestions you may have. Love ya- Sam💙