Adopted By Hamilton

Chapter 21. Tell him!

Sam's POV

Christmas left as fast as it came and somehow it was almost new years. Lin, Vanessa and I have been closer than ever, which I think is mostly from the whole self harm thing, but it's fine. Lin and I haven't really talked about it since it happened, but I'm not surprised if it comes soon. I have more things on my mind than that though. Today I am meeting Lin's parents. Apparently they have been dying to meet me since I moved in, and they are both seeing the show tonight, so I get to meet them before. I am nervous but so excited at the same time.

"Hey Samuel, can I talk to you?" Lin asked as I was in the living room. He called me Samuel. He never calls me Samuel. I nodded and went over to him. This could mean one of two things, he wanted to talk about the other night, or has a random question to ask me; which happens a lot.

I sat down next to him and took a deep breath. "I wanted to talk to you about the other night." I could feel a hitch in my throat, and my breath quickened. My leg started to bounce profusely. Lin noticed and gently placed his hand on my knee.

"Can I ask you a question?" Lin asked, looking me in the eyes. I couldn't look back at him. "Why?" He simply asked. Oh all the things I could say to this. I could spill my deepest secrets in a few words. I could change our whole relationship in a few words. Even though it was only a few simple words they were not enough to explain the depth of the heartache. Those few words could not explain the dysmorphia I feel every day. How do I explain?

I looked at him with wide eyes. I couldn't say anything. I wanted to scream out the full truth, but I couldn't. The weight of everything pushed hard on my shoulders. On one shoulder we had the identity thing, and on the other was the childhood trauma.

"This is a safe space. You can tell me anything," Lin said, and put his hand on my shoulder. I cringed at his touch, but eased into it. You can't tell him! He will kick you out! Maybe he won't. Tell him about the rape! Tell him about what he did to you. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him! "I can't." I could feel tears welling in my eyes. Stop. Boys don't cry. I blinked away the tears that were building up. "You can. You don't have to, but you can. Just let it out." Lin kept his hand steady on my shoulder. Tell him! Tell him the things he did to you. Let him in! Let him love you!

"I-" My voice broke. I looked up at Lin. He had a look of concern, but patience on his face. I couldn't. I needed to, but I couldn't say anything. "Would it help if we did this somewhere else?" Lin asked, trying to find ways to get me more comfortable. I shook my head. This wasn't going to suck any less if we were somewhere else. I just needed to do it.

You were hurt! Tell him! "I-I." I took a deep breath. "I... I was... raped growing up. Quite a few times." That was half of the truth. But I was opening up. I saw Lin's eyes go wide. The tears in my eyes were fighting their way out. Instead of blinking them away, I let a few fall down my face. Lin wrapped his arms around me and I melted into them. He was the first man I was starting to trust. He is the first person to make me feel okay.

We broke our embrace and he started, "Now I know why you have been hurting so much. I'm so sorry. I can't tell you it will get better right away either." He said. "Will it continue to hurt?" I asked, hoping he would say no. "Yes, it will keep hurting for a while. I can't promise that you will find the version of yourself before you were hurt. But I know you are going to get through this. It will keep hurting until one day it will finally stop, and you will be okay again. You will be okay again." He pulled me into another hug. I'm going to be okay. It will be okay.

"Okay enough of this emotional stuff, we have a theater to get to." Lin broke out embrace and wiped the tears that were fighting me. I giggle a little bit. "I'm glad you told me. And if you want to take this to get justice I will stand with you fully." He smiled. I nodded. I got up from the couch and into my room.