Adopted By Hamilton

Chapter 34. help.

"Okay, the scary part. I'm sorry kid. I wish this was easier," Lin said as we got out of the car to enter the theater. I almost always have a panic attack when I get out. I hate it.

The week had been rough. It was only Wednesday and I had cried everyday this week. Aniyah had been trying her hardest to get her phone back. She had gotten a new one in the process. Her and her parents shut off the stolen phone through her carrier, but I'm still sure the messages are still out there. I feel so stupid for thinking it was Aniyah. Like it went from zero to sixty and I didn't even think anything about it. I feel so stupid.

My thoughts get broken by the sound of yelling and screaming for Lin. My hood over my head and a pair of sunglasses on my face as I look down. I Bee line for the door and the guard lets me in. James is his name. He is pretty chill. We haven't had many conversations, but he has always seemed empathetic after I walk in.

I make it in the door and Lin follows behind me. My breath is unsteady like always. Tap your side twenty times.
So I do.
Breathe. Just, breathe.
So I do
Tap or Lin will find out your trans.
So I do
Tap or you will get kicked out again.
So I do
Tap or..
"Sam. It's okay. Your okay bud. I've got you," Lin soothes. I breathe and find my balance on the ground again. I see that I'm okay and I grab Lin's hand. He intertwined his hand with mine and squeezed my hand in comfort.

"You okay?" He asks. I know he means more than in the moment, but I lie and nod. I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for a while.

I leave his side and go up to the rehearsal room in the theater.
As I make my way in there, I see that it's empty. Thankfully.
I sit down on the floor in a corner and take a deep breath. And then another. And then I let out a silent sob.
I cover my mouth with my hand so that nobody can hear me.

I just started to think about everything. Everything at once. And for some reason my brain turns to the lunch I had just eaten. How the bread sat in my stomach. And how it needed to come out now.
I ran to the bathroom in the corner of the room. I ran to the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat to make me throw up. This was something I had always done. It's not that I thought I was fat; it's just that I didn't deserve to eat.

My tears escaped my eyes as I threw up. Each time gasping for air.

I threw up what I had eaten and just sat in the corner of the bathroom crying. I then started to scratch at my arms which had scabbed over cuts on them. I felt the scabs become no more and blood gently coming from my arms.

I just looked at the blood coming out of my body and realized how alive I actually was. How alive I wish I wasn't. My cries were harder as I felt the sting of my arms. Fuck man. You aren't okay.

I'm not okay. I need help. You need help. But don't ask for it. Never ask for it. They will put you in the hospital and then your life will turn to hell. Don't ask!!
So I don't. I sit in the corner bathroom in the rehearsal space and cry. I cry as I bleed.

Before the show started I heard the thirty minute call and people started rushing into the rehearsal room for last minute warm ups. I sat as quietly as I could in the little corner of the bathroom. I heard Lin's voice, along with Chris and Daveed. They were warming up their vocals and I felt like I needed to leave. Get out of there!

They warmed up for a while before talking a bit. I could hear them clear as day.
"Have you guys seen Sam at all since he got here?" Lin asked the men around him. "Nope. Normally he comes to see me when he gets here, but he didn't today," Daveed uttered. "Is he okay?" Chris asked, concerned.
"No. He's distant lately. He's been self harming. And I swear I can hear him throwing up after meals. I don't know what to do. I want to help him, but it doesn't seem like he trusts me enough to help him," Lin spoke. I didn't know he knew about the throwing up thing.

"Lin I could talk to him if you don't know what to say," Chris offered. "Okay. You can try. I feel like whatever I say it's not enough. And I don't want to put him in the hospital," Lin said.

He's going to put you in the hospital. FIX IT. FIX YOUR BRAIN! BEING SAD IS A WASTE OF TIME! FIX YOUR BRAIN!!!

I heard everyone leave minutes later and I let the tears I was holding fall.

"Sam, it's just you and me. You can come out now," I heard Chris' voice say. What? How does he know I'm in here? "Sam come on I know you're in the bathroom, I heard you crying earlier. It's me. You can talk to me," Chris explained.

I cautioned and stood up from my spot in the corner of the bathroom. I left the bathroom and saw Chris sitting in one of the chairs next to the piano.
"Hey," he said slightly smiling. "Hi," I ignologed him.
He tapped on the seat next to him, signaling me to sit down next to him. I reluctantly did. I kept my arm behind my back so that he couldn't see my reopens wounds.

"I know you heard us talking. I'm sorry," Chris apologized.
"For what?" I asked. He shouldn't be sorry. He didn't do anything.
"I'm sorry that you feel like this." He said and looked at me with sincerity. I looked away. I couldn't face him.
"Sam, I really care about you. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, but I want you to know I'm here." Chris told me as I tried to blink away tears.
help. help!
"Is there a way I can help?" Chris asked
"I need help," I admit.
I can see Chris's demeanor change. I guess it was something about me admitting that I need help.

SAM WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! I need help, that's why.
"I'm not okay Chris. I need help," I said to him. I'm really saying it.
He took a second, thinking of something to say.
"Okay. And everyone here is going to do the best they can to get you the help you need. How about we go talk to Lin and talk to him about getting you help, okay?" He asked. I nodded.
"Come on kid. I believe in you, and I'm here every step of the way. If you're not ready yet we can just chill in my dressing room and we will tell him after the show." Chris said as he got up from his seat.
"I want to tell him now." I told him. He nodded and took my hand.

We walked down the stairs and to Lin's dressing room. As we were doing that I started to get nervous. What if Lin didn't care if I needed help? What if in asking for help he finds out the deepest part of myself?

As we walked into Lin's dressing room I saw him sitting on the couch talking to Groff. They were deep in conversation and stopped talking after they both saw me walk in.
"Lin, can I talk to you please?" I ask him, kind of hinting for Groff to get out.
"Yeah of course," he replied.
"I'll give you guys some privacy." Groff left the room, going to his side of the connected dressing room and closing the door behind him.
Chris closed the door to Lin's room, and I pulled the chair out from the mirror before sitting down to face him and Chris.

"I-. Sorry. I don't even know how to start this conversation," I said truthfully.
"Take your time kid. It's okay," Chris said, trying to calm me down a bit.
"Lin. I-... I need help. Like professional help. I'm not okay."

I saw Lin's demeanor change. He bit his lip in nervousness and thought. I could tell he was thinking hard about what to say next.
"Okay. We'll get you the help you need. Are you saying you want to be checked into a hospital for your safety? Or that you need Therapy and medication?" He asked for clarification. "Please no hospital. I meant therapy." I panicked a little bit.
"Okay. I was looking into it anyway. I will get you a consultation and get you in, okay?" Lin said lovingly. I nodded.
"I want you to be okay. And I appreciate that you asked me for help. I know that it takes a lot of courage. I love you kid." Lin validated and stood up to give me a hug.

We embraced and I stood there just sinking into his arms. You asked for help. Good job. Now to do the work. Now to actually get better.

Hey guys🤍🤍 I hope you guys liked the chapter. I'm going to try to update more. Make sure you vote and comment any suggestions you may have. I love ya- Sam 💙