Adopted By Hamilton

Chapter 18. Fix it

Sam's POV

Yesterday was a whirlwind. After the whole thing with Groff, I have just been super nervous. But today is a new day, as long as Lin doesn't find out.

"Sam, Pippa is here!" Lin called from the living room. There were a few of us that were going to the mall today for last minute shopping. Christmas is only a few days away, and apparently some people like to wait till the last minute. Thank god I was on Christmas break.

"Coming!" I yelled back, putting my shoes on. I walked out into the living room and saw Pippa talking to Lin. "Hey, love." Pippa said and hugged me. "You ready to go?" She asked and I nodded. "Okay." She squeezed my shoulder. "Have fun. I Love you. I will see you later." Lin pulled me into a hug. We broke our embrace and he smiled at me. "Bye." I smiled back and waved. Pippa and I walked out of the apartment and down to the streets.

We finally got to her car and I got into the passenger side. "You excited?" She asked. "Yeah." I said kind of bluffing. I hate clothes shopping. "Do you have certain music you would like to listen to? You can connect your phone to the aux." Pippa handed me the cord and I plugged it into my phone. I opened my Apple Music and turned on Kendrick Lamar's newest album. "Is this okay?" I asked Pippa shyly. "You really are Lin's kid. And yes it is okay." She laughed, and so did I.

The rest of the car ride was nice. Conversation was flowing back and forth easily, and it just felt natural. Pippa was slowly but surely becoming an aunt I never had.

We finally got to the mall and we saw that Daveed, Groff, Jazzy, Renee, Araina, Anthony, and Thayne, were standing outside of the store. Pippa and I got out of the car and walked over. "Hey!" Pippa embraced a few of the cast members. "Hey kid!" Daveed pulled me into a hug. "Hi!" I smiled at them. "Hey kid, I missed you." Groff said with a sympathetic smile. I hated it. "Hi Groff." I said smalley. I think Daveed noticed the difference in greetings.

"What did you do to piss him off?" I heard Daveed whisper to Groff. Groff simply shook his head. I sighed and walked in the mall just trailing behind Jazzy. Daveed followed behind me. This was going to be a long day.

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After a few home goods stores we finally made it to the clothes. We all walked into American Eagle and I immediately saw the cutest sweatshirt in the guys section. But I waited a little bit before going over there.

The girls all went to the women's section and the guys walked over to the men's section. I didn't know which way to go. I want to go look at clothes, but I'm not sure if I trust them to style me. I eventually sighed and walked over to the men's section. I walked over to the sweater that I liked and grabbed a small one. The thing with being a smaller trans guy is that nothing ever fits right.

"Hey, this would look so good on you." Anthony came over to me with a short sleeved graphic tee. "That is a cool shirt." I agreed with him. "I'll try it on in a minute."  He handed me the shirt and I looked at the size. It was small. Anthony knew me well I guess.

I looked around a little more and I didn't personally pick out anything, but some of the girls gave me some pants and sweaters to try on.

I went into the dressing room and put on the graphic tee that Anthony gave me, and a pair of black ripped jeans that Pippa said would look great on me.

When everything was on I looked in the mirror. Everything was wrong. My hips made me inferior, I wanted to hit every last piece of them so they would be smaller. My arms on the other hand made me want to cry. They were too small to be any man's. The scars that lay on my scrawny arms seemed to want more attention than ever. I hated it. This was so stupid. I couldn't even go shopping with people who make me the happiest without everything feeling off.

"You okay in there." I could hear Thaynes' voice from outside the dressing room. "Yeah, one sec." I said trying to gain confidence to show them this outfit. What if they find out. If they find out you are dead. They will hate you. That will hate that you have been lying to them. They hate you. My brain loves to make me believe everything it tells me. This is normal though right? People get these thoughts all the time. They kind of just intrude when you aren't even thinking. This was normal.

I walked out of the dressing room and put my arms behind my back. No need for anyone to see them. "Oooo! I like that." Anthony said and smiled. "You look cool!" Reneé chimed in. "You for sure have to get that outfit." Jazzy said with a confident smile. "Okay!" I smiled and went back into the dressing room.

They totally noticed. You stood so feminine. Fix it. You walked out hips first, that is not how you are supposed to walk. It is shoulder heavy. Fix it.

I looked in the mirror again and fixed the things my brain told me too. Then changed out of this outfit and into another.

Four more stores and I hand two full bags with me. Apparently Lin gave Pippa his card so I could get what I needed. I still felt bad. We all sat down for lunch at the food court. I got a small chicken nugget and French fries. I didn't feel like eating that much.

Smile or they will think you are ungrateful. Fix it. I smiled at them. "Thank you for everything today." I said taking a small bit out of my food. "No problem kid." Daveed smiled back.

The conversation flowed throughout the table and I was actually starting to cheer up a little, until Groff opened his mouth. "Hey Sam, can I talk to you?" He whispered into my ear. I nodded fearing the worst. We got up from the table and walked to a more private area.

"Did you tell Lin?" Groff cut to the chase. "No." I said blankly. "Sam! I will give it to you till tonight and if you still haven't I will." Groff said calmly. At this point I really didn't care what he did. "Fine, just tell him now if you are so adamant about it." I rolled my eyes and sighed. I don't know why he was making a big deal about this.

I looked back at him and I could tell his patience was being tested. You made him mad. Fix it. He will hurt you. Why did you make him mad? You know better. I closed my eyes and prepared for an impact. It never came. Instead he pulled me into a hug. One that was full of love. "I want you to know that I am only doing this because I love you. I can't stand seeing you hurt yourself and having panic attacks like you did yesterday." He whispered into my ear. I nodded as my head was on his chest.

We broke the embrace, and he smiled at me. I did the same. The smile was not needed because I knew he could see right through it. He can see right through you. Maybe he will find out everything else. Fix it.

I stood up straighter and stronger: like a man. I told myself. We walked back over to our table and I took my seat right next to Anthony. I smiled at him. Be happy. He smiled back.

The rest of the day went okay. We went to a few more stores. I loved Anthony's face when we walked into Hot Topic. Jazzy was all for it, but I felt like Anthony thought he was going to be hexed.

When Pippa and I got back into the car I shut my eyes gently. Today was a whirlwind of emotions. "You okay?" I heard Pippa ask. "Mmhh. I'm just tired." I replied truthfully. "Well at least you can take a nap when you get home." She pointed out.  "Yeah." I nodded and smiled. Also I get to avoid Lin for a few more hours too. They have one last show before their Christmas break and he should be at the theater already.

I closed my eyes once more and just sat in my existence. But my find kept telling me to fix things. Your legs are crossed. Fix it. Your hands are in an awkward position. Fix it. Your binder might have slipped. Fix it. So I did. I fixed it. All of it, until there was nothing else to fix.

There was really always something to fix, but I didn't have enough energy to do so.

Happy Holidays everyone!!! I hope you are having a wonderful week. One more chapter till the Xmas one and I am so excited to write it. As always, thank you for reading, and be sure to vote. Once again please don't be shy to comment or DM me any suggestions you may have, I always love to hear from you guys on your feeling towards the story. Love you all -Sam💙