It Started With a Cake

Ch5. How Long Does it Take?

Negative. 

I stare down at the pregnancy test in my hands, tears threatening to spill as my brain comprehends what the line on the stick means.

I had a feeling it was still going to be negative yet I still got my hopes up .

A tear comes to my eye as I place the test back down on the counter. 

It was my third time taking a test this month, and the third negative one, each one of them being negative after every try. 

It has only been a couple months of trying at this point, quite thoroughly might I add. It's still early and I'm aware that these things take time, but still each negative result disheartens me. 

After every one I wonder if there's something wrong with my body, some kind of medical condition I unknowingly have that makes it impossible for me to fall pregnant, perhaps an injury I sustained over the years of hunger games and war. I have been through way more injury and illness than the average person has in their entire lifetime so it wouldn't be at all questionable if this was so.

The tiles are cold underneath me making me long for the warmth of Peeta's embrace, however I don't think I could bare the disappointed look in his eye as I tell him the same thing again, no.

The thought of Peeta pushes the tears faster, I was such a lousy wife being unable to provide my husband with his greatest desire when he gives me so much in return.

Over the sound of my sobs I hear the front door open.

"Katniss?" His voice calls out to me, stopping my tears in full force.

I swipe at my face, erasing the tears as best I can as I pull myself up off the floor, clearing my voice before calling out to him, "up here" I say, opening up the bathroom door and making my way down the stairs.

'Everything is okay, you're okay, nothing is wrong' I tell myself repeatedly, almost like a mantra.

"Hey how you going?" He asks me with a big smile as soon as he sees me descending the stairs.

"Good" I lie, "how's the bakery?" I ask him as I pull him into a strong embrace.

"Good" he repeats my answer, "I'm thinking about hiring some more staff to help out, especially with the new houses being built in town"

I smile at him as we pull apart.

"It would also mean I could be open a few more days a week"

I nod at his words, "yeah, that's a good idea"

He smiles at my agreement before continuing, "And you know it would help in the future when we... you know." I choke back a sob at his words, he doesn't know I can't give it to him.

He seems to notice my sudden silence because he looks over at me with an inspecting look.

"Are you okay?" he asks gently.

"Yeah" I lie again but my wavering voice gives me away, or perhaps he just knows me too well.

"No, you're not. What's wrong?" He's by my side again pulling me over to take a seat beside him.

I finally let the sob escape me, his arms wrapping around me tightly in reaction to the noise.

"It's okay" he reassures me but I shake my head.

"No it's not" I shake, "I can't do it"

He rubs my shoulder, "can't do what?" he asks gently

I bury my face into his shirt, taking in the smell of fresh bread. "I can't give you a baby" I mumble into the material, my tears soaking through it already.

"What?" He whispers back, pushing my hair to the side so he can look at my face.

"I can't give you a baby" I whisper again, but this time not into the shirt.

He rubs my back again, swaying me side to side, "oh darling, it'll happen eventually, and it's not your fault"

I grip his shirt in my hands, rubbing it between my thumb and forefinger for comfort. "but what if it is? What if I'm broken and it'll never happen because of me?"

He pulls my legs up into his lap, his rocking intensifying, "it will eventually" he soothes, "then if it doesn't we'll go from there. I'll love you either way remember" I nod but I'm not totally convinced, "I will" he reassures.

"You are enough to me"

We continue to rock back and forth for a while, my tears slowly coming to a stop. I don't let go of him though, in fact my grip tightens, willing him to give me more.

Eventually he carries me back up to our bedroom and places me gently on the bed, at first he just continues to hold me, whispering comforting words to me, but unlike usual it's not enough for me.

I'm the one who initiates it, starting with soft, slow kisses. then when that's no longer enough they turn harsher.

Then before I know it our whole bodies are moving together.

Our movements are slow to begin with, each of us experimenting our feelings away. Then once we've warmed up we speed up a little as we get into a rhythm.

***

The rest of our day is slow, Peeta decides to paint and I happily sit there with him, watching his hands glide across the page with such poise.

It's only as he's adding the final touches that I notice what it is he's painted.

It's of me. I'm holding a black haired baby in my arms, no doubt my own from our similarities. We sit in the meadow, flowers blooming all around us.

"It's beautiful" I comment.

He smiles over at me, placing his hand on my jaw and caressing my cheek. "You're beautiful" he retorts back with a grin.

I roll my eyes, placing my own hand on his jaw, mimicking his actions. "I love you" I tell him sincerely.

"I love you too" he grins back at me, leaning in to press his lips against mine.

"Where'd you get the inspiration for the painting?" I ask him curiously.

"A dream" he smiles.

I nod, "I've been having the same dreams"

"Can't wait to make it a reality" he cheesily tells me. I nod again.

"Would you like to try again now?" I ask him nonchalantly.

His grin widens, "I would be honoured"