I saw a 'If I was more honest' video, so I'm doing that.
Mum: come down here and say hi to the guests!
Me: that is the absolute last thing I want to do. I probably don't know them, and if I do they'll try and hug me which you would know I despise if you paid attention. Not to mention the fact that you'll treat me like a fucking waiter
My homegroup teacher: why're you on your laptop?
me: because I dislike everyone in this room, including you.
Mum: say thank you
Me: what's the point of saying thank you if I'm literally being told to do it?
Friend: *After I ask them what they wanna do* I don't care
Me: the entire reason I asked you for your opinion was because I didn't want to end up doing something you hated and potentially jeopardies my chances of hanging out with you again.
Person: *Makes a facial expression I haven't seen before*
Me: I don't know what you're trying to express with that, So I'm just gonna go ahead and assume you hate me
My friend who I'm very into: hi
Me: I love you
Friend: omg, he was flirting with me
Me: oh, what happened?
Friend: he asked me for my snap!
Me: ...
Me: I don't see the flirting in that. Is there more I should know about what happened, or..?
Brother: ur emo, lololololol
Me: *Wearing goth boots with about ten buckles, black eyeshadow and a black jumper that say 'free hugs. Just kidding, don't touch me.'* What gave it away dipshit?
My mum: stop being so rude
Me: says the cause of my depression, anxiety, low self esteem,-
My friend: I'm not-
me: IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO SAY ANYTHING THAT ISN'T KIND TO YOURSELF, SHUT THE FUCK UP
Mum: it's not the world's job to not annoy you!
Me: you hypocritical piece of shit, in the words of the queen Pippa Soo, I hope you DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE
Idiots: 🎶 Happy birthday 🎶
Me: I hope this is my last day on this fucking Earth.
Parent: I love you
Me: LIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Friends: what do you do when you're home alone?
Me: Watch TV, eat, randomly stare off into space, and flap my arms around for no particular reason.
Younger brother: why do you think everyone should be gay on TV?
Me: I literally just said it would be cool if Lisa Simpson had a female love interest in her youth as it's literally shown that she was in a polyamorous relationship with two women in her teens
Brother: *R slur, R slur, R slur*
Me: I'm contemplating which one of us I should shoot through the head.
My mum: Oh, if you can't make eye contact, just look at their eyebrows. They won't even know.
Me: It will still feel like I'm making unwanted eye contact!
friends: *Loudly screaming*
Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M TRYING TO FUCKING WRITE! COULD YOU GO ANYWHERE ELSE GOD DAMN IT? I HAVE TWENTY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES OF FREE TIME, AND I WANT TO FUCKING ENJOY IT!
Fools: why do you keep calling yourself gay if you've dated boys before?
Me: I'm using it as an umbrella term until I have a definitive answer of my sexuality as many people in the LGBTQIAP+ community do.
Me: *Makes a joke about having a red velvet cake if i ever have a gender reveal and be all 'haha. abortion time bitches'*
Mum: Hm, that's not very nice. I'm not sure I'd go to that
me: *Cackling* who said i was inviting you BITCH?
Me: *Says something completely true*
Brothers: *Mimics me*
Me: stop mimicking me
Mum: they're not mimicking you
Me: weeeeeeeeeeell, lemme just pull up the definition... *Google* Mimicking, imitate (someone or their actions or words), especially in order to entertain or ridicule.
Me: well what do you FUCKING know
A mulleted fool: I would fight you if you were trans!
Me: Are you being sexist, stating you'd only fight a boy, or transphobic, stating you want to fight transgender people?
Me: I don't see myself as a gender, i just see myself as me
Therapist: Ah, so non binary?
Me: No. No hate to NB people, but I am not one.
Guy in my class: I support andrew tate
Me: you support *Lists every fucking thing Andrew Tate has ever said or done*?
Guy in the class: no, not that stuff he did
Me: WHAT OTHER FUCKING STUFF HAS HE DONE YOU IDIOT?
Little brother: sexuality if a choice
Me: The fact that I've dated men if proof that that ain't true
Me: *On computer. Looks up.* Oh hi! You just walked in on me going on shit loads of LGBTQIAP+ reddit pages in a desperate hope that something will click in my mind and I'll magically know my sexuality
