BAD HABIT |Billie Eilish|

bad habit 1/3

POV TINLEY

Watching small blood drops disappearing in water was so satisfying. I stopped worring a while ago, the day I accepted everything. Stopped being scared and hurt. Stopped crying over college or future life. What's the point to care when you'll never get it?

My nose is bleeding like five times a day. Sometimes more. My heart is aching. I've lost an ability to control my right hand and i barely can hold a shampoo bottle with this one. I have nausea every morning and evening.

But what I'm really sick of is seeing my family not being able to enjoy the last months of Jasmine's pregnancy. There's no joy of upcoming newborn, it's not how I imagined our future.

It's been two weeks since I visited my doctor because of heartache. One week since he told me that there's nothing they could do. My body is collapsing, pacemaker can't make it work forever. It was always obvious but we never wanted to hear it. We missed all these words about perspectives and when i got first and second surgeries, we didn't even wanted to know why my 19 years old body needs a thing to make my heart work.

"Tinley? Everything is okay?" Tate softly knocked on the door, hearing the sounds of the water in my bathroom.

"Yeah, just chilling. I'll be ready in ten minutes"

He probably nodded to himself and left my room. I really want to disappear.

***

"Oh my god, I swear, I wanna drown my Math teacher, she's such a bitch" Roe was sitting next to me, chowing on her sandwich. "How the fuck am I supposed to pass an exam if all she does is screaming and mumbling about us being dumb?"

"I don't even know why you need Math" I sipped on my water, trying to stop nausea. "You told me you want to focus on Chemistry"

"I don't wanna be a doctor anymore. Saw a video of cutting a dead body yesterday and almost passed out"

"I have so many questions right now" I laughed, raising my eyebrows. "Where did you find one?"

"I have my ways" She grinned. "So, how are things with this Bayley girl? Did y'all guys hookup or?"

"Nah, I realized it's too early to start new relationships. I had a breakup like a few months ago. Time has to pass" I hate to lie to my friends, I swear, but there's nothing else I could do. I can't let them know the truth. Not right now.

"Have you talked to Billie? It's like you guys completely ignore each other. Not that I'm not happy about it, fuck this bitch, but y'all seem to be really distant" Roe was really careful with those type of questions but she always tried to check on me and since she knew how hard it was for me, she made sure I'm not making any mistakes.

"She's my past, not now or future. I keep all our memories but there's no point in even saying hi to each other. We both have to move on. It's not the end of the life" Roe nodded, thinking about something but she never said it out loud.

Days were passing by and sometimes I felt okay, I could join classes and even going out with friends. Sometimes I've been dying on my bed, trying to open my eyes and tolerate random pain in my body. Kidney pain was the worst, I barely could breathe, it felt like I was stabbed over and over again.

I missed like a week of school and my dad had to lie to our principal about me being sick with some type of flu. It was a day when I was feeling okay, I couldn't move fast and sometimes it was waves of sharp pain in my back and abdomen but in general it was a lot better. I got a message.

Billie
hey. can we please meet somewhere? it's important

I reread her text like five times, trying to understand what it was for. Our chat stopped like months ago and we completely stopped talking.

Me
I'm sick
what do u wanna talk about ?

Billie
wanna end everything right
kinda cant get over us without a proper conversation

I blinked once. Twice.

It took me about fifteen minutes to think about everything. I would lie if I say I didn't think about her for even one day since our breakup. I saw her everyday at school. She was everywhere, sometimes I could smell her parfume on my old clothes that I didn't wear since summer. She was living in my memories and I couldn't get rid of them every time I see places we used to spend time at. My windowsill, my bed, a big couch in my living room, hammock on the back yard, old pics on my phone. I've never deleted them.

Scars on my body, everything somehow reminds me of her. She left a big scar on my heart. But who said scars can't be beautiful? It was painful as hell, it was disappointing, heartbreaking, painful and damaging. But I'd lie if I say I wouldn't repeat it. Sometimes I just miss her hugs and kisses, sometimes I want her to comfort me when I'm in pain. I remember what she did and I know that I will never forget it. I just miss those memories and I feel like we actually need a real conversation. I'm scared to be late.

Me
come to my house

Author's note:
Hey besties❤️ It's been years since I posted but this story needs an ending. I'm gonna write three 1k words chapters. It's the way I see the end of their story and it's really hard to say official good bye to Tinley and Billie, but its a good sadness🥹 Please tell me what you think. See ya really really soon❤️