BAD HABIT |Billie Eilish|

Keep going

Maybe skipping Mrs. Ponso's class wasn't the best idea but I just got a message from Liv and I couldn't refuse to go to our favorite cafe with her because I knew that she needed to talk and if she wanted to talk to me then I'll do everything possible to help her. We ordered a vegan pizza and juice and headed to our favorite table. We love to go there when we need to talk and eat some pizza. 

"I was showering for the whole night and I still feel dirty" She said after minutes of silence because I didn't want to rush her, it was fair to let her take her time. I just raised my head and took a deep breathe. 

"Liv, I have no rights to tell you that I understand you because I don't but you can't blame yourself or think that it made you a different person" I rubbed her hand. "You're the same Liv and I'll do my best to help you to go through this" She looked in my eyes with her teary ones and whispered quiet 'thank you'.

Our waiter brought our pizza and juice and we thanked him. It smelled so good and I just remembered that I forgot to eat my breakfast. 

"I can't stop thinking about it, it's like playing in my head over and over again" She took a sip of her juice and bit her lower lip. Her cheeks were red and I'm sure she was crying for the whole night. "How did you feel after what Billie did to you?" I froze for a few seconds because it was something I tried not to think about. Bil was really sorry about that and she said that like million times and we talked it out so I tried to forget about that situation. 

"Um, it was completely different situation" I rubbed my neck, biting on my pizza. 

"But you were raped too" Wave of anxious hit me really hard at that moment, it was something that was hidden deep in my thoughts and now it was kinda on a surface and I wasn't ready to talk about it ever again. "I don't know how I'm supposed to keep going" 

"What are you talking about?" I frowned, looking at her face. She was pale and it was like she had no emotions.

"It feels like I don't own my body anymore. And I still can feel everything that was happening yesterday" At that moment I noticed how tensed up she was. "I want to know how to get rid of that or I don't want to keep going"

"Liv, what the fuck are you talking about? You'll go through this shit, we are here to help you and even if it's the hardest thing to do you'll do it because you're strong" I grabbed her hands, squeezing them tightly. 

"He was wearing black mask" She whispered and I listened to her in silence. "Like balaclava"

"You have no idea who that was?" I asked carefully.

"No, but he was like 40 years old. And skinny" She looked at the window for a few seconds and then back at me. "You'll help me to go through this?" Liv asked as if she didn't really believe in it.

"Of course I will, we are friends and you helped me a lot so it's my turn" I smiled weakly. "You're the same Liv and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's gonna be better soon, I promise" 

"Thank you, Ramsey, you have no idea how amazing you are" I chuckled sadly as she took a sip of her juice. 

"What do you wanna do today?" I wanted to make this day easier for her and I knew that staying alone is what you wanna do when you feel broken but it makes things even worse. 

"Go to my gynecologist and my mom promised to spend time with me" She took a bite of her pizza and I nodded.

"Liv, I'm sorry but I have to ask. You sure you can't get pregnant?" I asked carefully but she just looked at her feet.

"He wasn't using any protection" She mumbled. "Doctors gave me some pill, they said it will work if, you know" She wasn't comfortable so I nodded. Obviously I understood what she was trying to say.