BAD HABIT |Billie Eilish|

THE ROOF

Everything was blurry. I squeezed the ledge with my hand as I was looking at the night city. The air was dusty and sweet as if I was in the park near the stand with a cotton candy. I didn't even try to focus on anything, repeatedly wiping off tears of my cheeks. It was one of the highest buildings in the Downtown and my fear of heights was screaming deeply in me but I ignored it. I would lie if I say I was absolutely okay with that height because my legs were shaking and I almost dropped the cigarette a few times because of that breathtaking view. 

I could hear all these sounds of night city, city that never sleeps. I guess it's Vegas, by the way, but Los Angeles actually more crowded at night time. I stared at the small cars in a traffic jam. They were so tiny and I felt so powerful and miserable at the same time.  

I was in pain. Physically and, mostly, mentally. Just a few hours away I was punching trees in that fucking forest, not even caring about my hands or anything else. I think I broke my finger again because it was bruised, swollen and I couldn't move it. But I clenched my teeth and squeezed the cigarette harder just to feel pain. 

Because something was scaring me. Pain was going away and I started to feel something that was new to me. Emptiness. I felt how my ribs weren't tensed anymore, how my heart was less heavy with every minute. 

And sweet and dusty air.

FLASHBACK. SUMMER. 

"Billie, stop!" She grabbed my arms, laughing and trying to kiss me. I pushed her away one more time, putting all the mushrooms in the sauce. I was cooking mushrooms for our weekends at her lake house and Billie tried to annoy me when our parents were outside making barbeque and talking. 

"Come one, we finally alone" I stopped fighting back and she reached me, kissing my neck and wrapping her arms around me from behind. "You're so old and boring, Tinky, I can't even have fun with you anymore" She playfully rolled her eyes and I slapped her shoulder as I turned around.

"What you just said?" I raised my eyebrow, holding my laughter.

"Nothing" Billie smiled widely, whispering in my lips. "But you have to prove that you're not boring" Her devilish smile made me nervous and I just kept looking at her and waiting what she gonna tell next. "Let's go upstairs and fuck?" 

I choked on my spit as she said it not even a little quiet. Probably my chin dropped too but I didn't notice because I was busy with looking around to check if my dad, Jasmine or Billie's parents could hear her. Thankfully we still were alone there and I exhaled.  

"Billie!" I shushed her and she just grinned, leaning on the kitchen counter and licking her lips. "You know that we can't, what if someone hear us?"

"Adrenaline makes sex better" She shrugged. "Are you in?" She gently took my hand in hers, slowly dragging me to the stairs. 

"Billie..." I sighed, giving up and following her. 

She closed the door as soon as we entered her bedroom. Fun fact, parents didn't let us share one bed in that house because "wE aRe a CoUpLe" but it's not a problem when we have sleepovers in our houses. I didn't get their logic but we followed the rules. I mean, for the first twenty minutes and then Billie sneaked into my room and we slept together.

"We don't have a lot of time so I'm sorry I can't undress you slowly" Billie roughly took off my shirt, throwing it on the floor. I didn't even manage to say a word as her lips met my neck and her hands found their way to my bra.

END OF FLASHBACK 

I grabbed the metal thing that was near the edge of the roof to keep the balance and walk safely. Soft music were playing somewhere in the window and I could hear it a little bit as I flopped down on the concrete floor and stared at the sky. It was unusually dark and I could even see stars. My grandpa taught me to calm down and look at the sky as long as I need to make the pain go away. I was seven years old when I found a kitten that was hit by a car and we couldn't help him so he died on my arms and I cried a lot that day.